I'm a big fan of changing rules that are there just to be a rule and serve no useful purpose or get in the way of the ultimate goal. I'm constantly reassessing and making changes in every job I have. I will 'bend' a rule making an executive decision and shouldering the responsibility for any fallout, and the bending is the precursor to making the change official. It usually requires the consent of the rest of management so it takes some time usually.
I think rules need to be made flexible, depending upon the situation and parties involved. So I'd rather call them guidelines - not so hard and fast.
Cheating is defined, in a sexual context which is what I think this thread is ultimately addressing, as a couple's bottom line on acceptable behaviour and activities for each other and their relationship as a whole regarding sex or the potential thereof. These may develop over time as the relationship grows, or they may be set out right at the beginning, maybe due to past experiences with other relationships. It's what each needs to feel safe and cared for and respected.
Participating on a swingers message board for the purposes of engaging in discussion with swingers, has that potential for sex, whether acted upon or not.
In my own marriage, our goal is total honesty and openness with each other about every aspect of our lives. This doesn't mean we recount blow by blow every little thing we do every single day. It means we share with the other anything that person might need to know about, either now or later. Some things are urgent....some not so and may never become urgent. Families, finances, friendships, children, work...all those areas are shared territory and thus could or do have an effect on the other. Our goal is that the two of us are closer to each other than with any other person on earth. That forms our bottom line.
Having a clear, understood, agreed to bottom line is crucial when participating in swinger activities, as we are now dealing with sex. Rec sex or intimate with each other sex, it still can become a vulnerability if not handled well. Cheating is not an issue for us as we have built that total trust and mutual respect that can only come, IMHO, by sharing our day to day lives in a way that I or he wouldn't be surprised to find the other was involved in any activity, conversation, thought process, fear, concern, or online dialoque via email or a message board or chat room, that one didn't know about.
We each have our own computers, our own MSN messenger, our own email contacts...some shared, many not. We also give each other quick updates on who we spoke with and what was discussed....even if it's just to say 'I talked to X and Y today and they're doing fine.'. Then if X and Y come online with him...he's up to speed. It's just courtesy and part of our strong bond. It also eliminates a lot of potential confusion and stopping what you're doing to explain to Mr why so and so is messaging him and asking him about an upcoming party LOL. It's much easier to make the communication an ongoing thing
