Julie, you are too kind. However....I married my husband and intend to do everything that I can to make our relationship work. Part of the marriage vows for us was through thick and thin. He did go to the counselor once, but felt as though he might be at the disadvantage and have to be defensive. He also tends to get upset when someone challenges him on his thoughts and beliefs. We thought that it was better that I have the opportunity to grow in understanding of myself, rather than put him on the hot seat about his views of relationships. Other than this one teeny tiny area (other women), we DO have a great relationship. We have been married a long time, and I do not want to dissolve our relationship over something like this. I personally do not understand him, or men in general and their ways of thinking about love and sex. That's something that I am trying to change.I know that I am old fashioned, and I really believe in our vows. I think that it is harder for older women, and women married for a long time to adjust to the idea that their husbands may harbor thoughts and desires that they perhaps were unaware of. Oh sure...there were ocassional hints and signs, and I ignored them as best I could, hoping that they would either go away, or he was just "being stupid", for lack of a better description.
In a realtionship, it doesn't always work for one partner to say no dear, I'm not interested in that, now don't ever mention it again. Basically, that is what I did. I didn't say don't mention it, but he got the message. If he would have tried to talk to me to explain what was going on, if I would have tried to talk to him instead of shutting the idea out, then maybe we could have talked about it and either made the decision to explore it together, or to abandon it as not workable for our marriage.
I know that I am not alone in this, many women do exactly this, and many men decide to try to explore either behind their wives backs, or coerice them into agreeing to join them. My husband does not want to lose our relationship either, but this is very important to him.
It is going to be easier for me to discover what it is within me that holds things as I do, to find out the things that represent love, committment, etc., than it is for him to just "forget about it sweetie"! I am NOT going to counseling to find a way that I can just swing to make him happy. Getting counseling's not a bad deal in my book, and what I can glean from it is all the better for not only me, but for him too.
We are not going to be swinging anytime soon, but the conversations about his desires almost has to take place for him to feel more complete. I don't know that he will go out and cheat (again ?), or get involved with someone online. I DO know that if I don't at least try to give him the opportunity to express himself, and do a little work on me so that I at least have a better basis of understanding why this is so difficult for me to accept, that we will both lose, and that isn't going to be something that I am going to do without doing everything that I can !
Thank you all for your support and kind comments!
Tarnished |