Hello Everyone,
We are not swinging, but he feels that it is something that we can work out, and may possibly swing in the future. Unfortunately for me, I am a thinker, and tend to overthink many things. I am in counseling because I have low self esteem and see his desire for others as a reflection of who I am. Having said that, the opportunity for my husband to be with someone else is one desire or thought that he could not put away. Kind of like Pandora's box if you will. We had experiences that were not positive, and seem unable to resolve them without counseling for me to assist to put some things in perspective. For one, I have a great deal of difficulty in the emotional sense (not intellectual) in separating sex and love. Rationally speaking, I know the difference, I just don't feel the difference, hence, it is quite confusing for me.
I do have compassion for him in that he didn't ask to have the desires that he has, and that is part of the package that I got when we decided to spend our lives together. The communication skills necessary to address some of the issues that swinging brings up is another matter, and both he and I could certainly
improve in that area. Counseling is also helping me in that area. Swinging isn't just about the sex part, although that is the emphasis.
Had he and I both approached this before it got so out of kilter (I am referring to some unfortunate choices that he made, and my reaction to them), and given the support and love required to take those small steps while preserving our relationship, I suspect that this would not be quite so difficult for me. When one partner (those of you who are contemplating bringing up swinging, I am paying someone to help me through the damage that both he and I caused, you can get this one for free) gets ahead of the other, whether it be through knowledge, research, experience, the other partner is going to feel that they are either being set up, manipulated, or coerced. If you truly are interested in swinging, and you think your relationship can handle it, you'd better involve your partner (wife or husband) from the get go. Learn together, not wait or demand for the other of you to catch up. In some ways, that is what I am doing. He's already so far ahead of me, that it makes it seem to him that I am dragging my feet. Understandly. He's already been on all the sites, given it a lot of thought, etc. I hope what I have said is clear. I'll be happy to elaborate for those who want!
Thank you for your support. I maintain that until and unless I can make the decision as to what activity that I am comfortable with, I am going to resent the hell out of him pushing me to comply with his "desires".
Tarnished. |