Quote:
Originally posted by twoloves
UPDATE:
This continues to be an ongoing problem. The irresistible force meets the immoveable object. Any advice?
Since July, when I last wrote, wife and I continued our solo play until late September when I stopped seeing my friend. I stopped seeing my friend because the enjoyment I got from that friendship was not worth the pain I experienced when my wife went off for foursomes with her friend (s).
I asked her to stop and get back to doing just couple activity. She said no, that she really enjoyed the friendship and sex. We argued a lot. Harsh words. Hard feelings. I acquiesced to two more of her foursomes. Once in October and once in December. I did this because I thought I owed her (number of times).
I asked her to stop again. I told her it hurts me and angers me. Asked her to start out '04 as a couple in the lifestyle and forgo solo play. She said no, that she plans to see her friend for the forseeable future. She said it's fun and is just sex, that she isn't leaving me and he isn't leaving his wife. She said I was "controlling" and overbearing. I still haven't seen my friend since September and I will not see her. My desire for the lifestyle has diminished now due to the problems we have. She says this is the lifestyle, get used to it. I say the lifestyle is about couples. We pushed the envelope, we both had fun, let's quit now, while we are ahead.
Our options are thus:
1) I forbid her to see him. (She said that she would be very upset and her feelings for me may change and our sex life would greatly diminsh. Not a good option. Besides, I would want her to stop because she loves me and is of her own volition.)
2) The latest "compromise" from her is for her to be allowed to see him 4-6 more times and continue to IM and phone. This would take us into next September or so. (The problem with this option is that I don't like the stress/anxiety this causes me and I don't feel it's fair to put me through this. I fear there may be some degradation in my feelings for my spouse.)
Am I wrong here? Am I too controlling? Should I just let her go and not worry about it? Am I being paranoid? Have we just, after 25 years, come to separate roads? Any other ideas out there? Have any of you out there negotiated solo play successfully?
2luvs |
If you were still seeing your "friend" would it be ok for her to see her friend? I see it as a "whats good for the goose is good for the gander" situation in which no one wins. Someone is frequently left out in the cold.
I'm not sure if I understand you "owing" her....I look at this lifestyle as something you share, together. Not a situation where you compete against each other. Its a team sport.
In my humble opinion when you shared your concerns with her the very first time all swinging should have stopped until you two could have come to an agreement of sorts. Boundaries have to be kept and only crossed after serious discussion. Even though my husband and I swing infrequently, we know what we can do and what we can't do. If a situation arises where we are afraid the "rules" will be broken, we talk to each other and honestly share our feelings. We always make sure that we are on the same page. We do this for each other, because we love each other and find it exciting.
Besides, I think that he is so absolutely fabulous that I can't help but share him.
But back on the subject of you and your wife~~
If this is so damning...STOP...NOW...try to salvage your relationship and get back on track. DON'T LOOK BACK....because what is essentially important here is your relationship. Try to continue counselling...what is more important..a few measly dollars or your 25 years of happiness?
Zgirl