Ahhh...now frenchie...this recent post has had the effect (on me) of making you out to be a total jerk. Are you? I mean...now come on...
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Is it my fault that she's had a few bad experinces?? Should I continue to pay for the ones who hurt her in the past?? I don't think so, I'm not them, I have no trouble separating sex from love, (not that I want to have sex with another woman) but if it were something my wife wanted to see or have happen ; hell I'm not going to say no.
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No, it's not your fault she had a "few bad experiences" (and I believe I'd use a word other than "bad" to describe a rape), but sorry, buddy...yeah...she's your
WIFE and you do have a great deal of responsibility in terms of providing support and understanding. In any relationship, we take 'em as we get 'em and you got her knowing full well what the circumstances were and are. And what is this thing about "not that I want to have sex with another woman?" Your wife obviously doesn't want to participate at this time, so what is the purpose other than you having sex with another woman?
And this...
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About 8 months ago during a argument I actually packed and left, she was crying and holding our marriage paper and weeping that she wanted "this" to mean something, I told her as-matter-of-factly that "why should I have to pay for the ass holes that hurt you?, I've wanted this for along time and I'm going to have, with you or without you" and then I left.
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You don't want to have sex with another woman...yet you pack a bag and leave her standing in the door crying?
"I've wanted this for along time and I'm going to have, with you or without you" and then I left." That in and of itself is a total contradiction to much of what you've said.
She may be sending you mixed messages/signals, but this post certainly sounds as if you are guilty of the same. Sounds to me this relationship is replete with mixed messages. Not the makings of a sound relationship, IMO.
Every single person that has posted has said something to the effect that you need to take swinging out of the equation in your relationship...if not permanently, at least for the time being. I'm no exception. I agreed with counseling for your wife, initially...now I'm thinking you need the counseling as badly as she does. Maybe more so, given your propensity for selfishness and self-centeredness.
Finally...you concluded with the bit about being too busy...and it is just delightful to see that refinishing a coffee table takes precedence over providing thoughtful gestures to the one you profess to love in a relationship. (and people wonder why I'm single?!?) Aren't you lucky that you married superwoman since you can't even find the time to leave a simple note or card. Lucky woman she is.
I said it before. Put swinging on the back burner and focus on your relationship with your wife. Nothing wrong with the desire to swing as long as it doesn't inflict emotional pain on the one you profess to love, but when it gets to the point that pain is there - shut the door on the entire idea. Or...get a divorce. Simple as that.
- EBF