Okay, I'm going to jump in and take a risk here with my 2c:
First, as a survivor of rape, incest, and child molestation, it is very difficult to know what we truly want sexually! Somehow, the experience makes us shut down in varying ways, not the least of which is emotionally and sexually...if this seems confusing, let me say it is confusing as hell to be looking at one's sexuality from the inside out when you've been treated as an 'object'. Cognitively, we 'know' that isn't right....but then one gets to a certain age, the hormones kick in, and there's a huge instinct that surfaces that allows the return of sexual desire.
The Catch-22 is: the emotional conflict from the rape and abuse hasn't been resolved!!!
One solution for women in our situation is to turn to other women for a less scary more nurturing kind of emotional and sexual relationship. Many many women who survive rape and sexual assault at a young age find peace in this direction. [[ Please note I am not judging here, just reporting what I've witnessed in Recovery Group Therapy]]
Another solution is that these women try to live as normal a life as possible with a strong commitment to fidelity in marriage and a willingness to be open, honest, and vulnerable again --But only in the context of the marriage!! Many of us find peace in the blending of marriage, sexuality, and the control aspects of sex with just one man, always.
---> the point I want to bring up here is the fact that we don't deny our sexuality, it's just that our conditioning with sexual experiences was screwed up. It leaves us very little options unless we decide to heal in whatever way works.
Mr. Frenchie doesn't think Mrs. Frenchie is 'bad' or 'sexually wanton' by having a successful 3way....the real point here is Mrs. Frenchies' feelings afterwards...not to mention she may feel like she agreed (and maybe very honestly enjoyed the activity at the time) -- but nobody teaches survivors of abuse how to deal with the feelings afterwards!!! You can't talk us out of how we feel; it's just there. Emotions aren't logical....but Mrs. Frenchies' reactions and feelings make sense in her personal context and that's what really matters here.
I happen to agree with the majority of the posters:
Mr. Frenchie, get your priorities straight and decide if you want a wonderful marriage and a sane happy wife,
or
divorce her so she can find a man who really loves her.
Yes, you owe her an apology and you owe her your support to feel whatever she feels, as is her right.
She wasn't jerking you around at the club or otherwise-- she was trying hard to find out several things at once: what your attraction is for club action, what the action is, and deal with her feelings at the same time.
--- a big assignment, don't you think?
And for chrissakes, gimme a break; we aren't perfect. I might try something new if my lover seemed very turned on by it: but I also trust my lover to protect and cherish me. I trust him to value my feelings as he values his -- or more. I also know he can read my reactions....if I am inwardly shocked to see a woman giving multiple blowjobs-- imagine how I might feel to see my lover obviously attracted to the activity...she might well be thinking: 'does he want me to do this?' --
I agree with all who say drop the subject completely. Don't even mention it when she's looking at clothes, or toilet brushes. Drop it if you value your wife.
From the sound of it, she's a courageous lady trying hard to forget a huge trauma and be a good partner to you. From what you've said, she is anxious to please you. What more do you want, eggs in your beer?!?! |