This is waaaay more than an "itsy" problem here - this is huge! My words are going to convey just how HUGE I believe this is.
The fundamental rule for lifestyle activity is that a couple never goes faster than the slowest partner is comfortable about. You have broken that all to heck and gone.
I think her attitude when you first shared the news of your interest was probably because she didn't realize how serious you were about pursuing that interest. She may have thought your interest was because of your prior marriage not being satisfactory to you sexually.
I think her reaction to you bringing up your "secret" again after your marriage was in great deal based on HURT that you would still desire it despite the excellent sexual relationship the two of you have. In your desire to live out your "secret", you have not listened to her reluctance and lack of agreement. You have only heard the thin threads she may have offered in an attempt to not totally disallow a future possibility. You took that as agreement and ran with it, pushing prodding and nudging all the while. As a result you have, at least for now, robbed her of her very essence - - her self esteem.
Yet you still continue to think that if you can just make her believe you that she has not violated your relationship - everything will be fine and you can go full steam ahead.
Do you not realize that there is a very big part of her right now that doesn't respect your opinion or believe you, because when she tried going along with that - it resulted in her present condition?????? head bang
You have some serious fence-mending to do here. And that means all thoughts and all talk of swinging must stop here and now. You must concentrate on repairing the breach of trust you have created with your lady. You must focus on the relationship the two of you have and how important that is to your happiness. [remember what it was like before??] You may have certain fantasies in your mind - but you'd best put those away for quite some time.
Broken trust is a huge problem.
There are men on this board who have had unfulfilled fantasies for MANY YEARS, but it has not made them stop considering their wife to be the most important person in their life. They would not consider for a moment pushing as you have and risk destroying the relationship they share. You could be well served by learning from them.
If living out your "secret fantasy" is so important to you - - that you feel you MUST pursue it, then do this lady a huge favor and cut her loose before you do irreparable damage to her that cannot be mended by the love of one who puts her first - and above himself.
"Itsy" problem, indeed!!
