 Replacing v Sharing
Julie
Thanks for sharing some of Mrs Spoomonkey and my thoughts. As we read the thread, we were surprised that no one seemed to notice that what their "swinging" experience had devolved to was little more than "replacement".
The single woman in question seemed to have been an incredible and rare kind of woman, honestly. The fact that she called the next day was both incredibly sweet and incredibly brave. Bravo to her!
However, we had a problem with the overwhelming sentiment that Mrs. txnewbie was just being over-sensitive. Why? Because her husband kissed another woman the way he hadn't kissed her in ten years??? Are you kidding me??? Of course she should be bothered by that. How could she not be?
It seems to me that the one thing that is indispensible in "couple health" within the lifestyle is that everything at home is happy and strong. In this story, that obviously wasn't the case. Mr txnewbie seemed to be using the opportunity to replace something that was missing - because if he can't kiss the missus that way, then something is amiss...
Advising Mrs txnewbie to simply "suck it up" strikes me as being alittle bit dismissive and quite honestly careless. Three big problems that I see are these:
1. They don't kiss anymore - in other words, their personal initmacy is weak. I am not saying that Mrs spoomonkey and myself roll around on the living room floor the way we once did, but I can promise you that neither of us would see the other do something that we neglect at home.
2. Mr txnewbie doesn't "stroke her ego"... Are there really couples in this lifestyle that don't realize that swinging is full of little landmines called "insecurities"? Of course one spouse should be attentive enough to the other to make sure that they feel beautiful and desirable. Of course egos should be stroked a hell of a lot more than the bodies of playmates... This just further proves that the intimacy is missing - and without that swinigng is a dangerous sport.
3. There is no sense of sharing in any of what Mrs txnewbie has written. Mr txnewbie seemed to climb on the "house guest" and might have even preferred if he'd been there exclusive of the missus. I don't have an issue with seperate room swaps (we don't do them, but I can see the potential excitement in them) but to me it seems that this was really what the Mr wanted.
I don't think that there is anything wrong with Mrs txnewbie being upset. There is room for her to be upset at herself - I'll agree. Swinging is the worst way to try to fix relationship problems - and everything I have read smacks of that. The fantasy of it may be a great way to heat things up between two people, but my suggfestion is play within the fantasy until Mr txnewbie is coming in form a hard day's work and pinning you against the refridgerator and taking you over the kitchen/dining room pass-through. When your fire is fully stoked, when you want to swing but think that no one will ever be able to fit between the two of you, then you can start inviting others in.
Our first swinging encounter had many of the same problems that Mrs txnewbie describes. I had second thoughts, trouble performing, insecurities galore... Mrs Spoomonkey didn't notice - thought my "sitting out" was an attempt to fulfill my voyeuristic nature. Afterwards, I was an emotional wreck and all that happened was a little oral swapping... I had to really step back and take account of my emotions - and we had to talk a lot. Mrs Spoo stroked my ego, listened to me vent, held me when I cried about it, and reassured me that all of this was about us - not her, not our friends... I am reluctant to write this because it was a tough time - not really for us, since we are very much in love with each other, but for a part of our relationship that we were both dying to explore. We both thought that it had died right there in a rental cabin...
But - we've worked through it and have had some extremely wild times. Working through that rough patch helped me to know that Mrs Spoomonkey is in love with me deeper than I sometimes understand. And even in a pile of five, I can feel our connection even if our bodies are wrapped around another... maybe what I have here is soapbox, but I truely believe that if a couple is bringing unresolved relationship issues into swinging, then they don't belong here - not yet... But - as our "pile ups" have proven - these little hiccups can be gotten past. But not if you try to put swinging before your relationship.
Mr Spoomonkey
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