Tarnished Halo wrote;
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I began to think if only I looked better, he'd want me more than he wanted the others, all kinds of self defeating thoughts. I was beginning to think that if he really did love me, he wouldn't want them as much as he did. What I really needed to find out was that I had value to ME maybe actually those other women WERE as important to him as I thought. There wasn't a thing that I can or could do about that, except learn about my value as a human being aside from his considerations about me BUT I could feel better about ME!
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Hi Tarnished Halo,
I have read and kinda watched posts since you signed on. I have often thought I should speak up, say something. I also, felt you and your situation was serious enough that I should be most careful of any casual comment.
One) I am impressed by your interest in this whole subject, your marriage, and your very adult attitude. You have been honest, open and sincere. Many come to the board , not sure of all of this and have a closed mind, and are full of condemnation. I have a great deal of faith, judging from your posts and your handling of the subject matter, that whether you ever swing or not, you will have found this to be a rewarding expeience.
History of mine; I am the male partner, I have struggled with more issues and crap in an intensive journey to understand and improve myself for over a ten year period. I have made a devoted project of understanding, healing, and change, so that I might be closer to who I saw myself as, and not repeat past mistakes. I have seen more counselors than Liz Taylor has had husbands. I have attended group sessions over extended period of time. I am happy with my progress. I have been so low as to have lost everything I owned and thought death better than existence. It has been a long process, expensive and painful. I am happier now than ever before in my life, and my friends, my friends and family now happily agree that I am much closer to who I want to be. These are my credentials, definetly not braggin rights.
Two) Advice; I think is is wonderful that you are seeking counseling. As many have written, it can be a very benificial process. There is the key word, PROCESS. It takes some time. There are good counselors, and so so ones, then there are great ones. What for the ones that a person life issue of thier own begins to appear. They are the ones that can not help but be tainted by thier own experience, maybe even brought them to be counselors. Look for objectivenesss. Also, because this is a process, and all that a counselor has to work with is your actions and words,,,,,,initial feed back you receive may be off a bit. Remember, it is a process. I have left sessions owning one thing,,,,,only a year or two later, to realize that it was just "a shoe, put out there to see if "it fit" so to speak. If you are as honest, and open as you have been on this board, you should have no problems recieving all the benefit this has to offer. Try ideas and suggestions about yourself and what is or is not going on for you before you"buy them" Run them around the block a few times with close folks you trust, and don't forget to think for yourself. If something doesn't fit, you don't have to try and make it so.
Three: my comment on this thread and most particularly the words copied above;;;;men, women, couples, have the ability to deeply love, desire and be completley satisfied with thier partner in life, and still want to expierence sex with others for many many reasons. Those true to themselves,partner, in this lifestyle
have long, happy, devoted relationships and it isn't about simply wanting someone else. I believe, that is why you will see that those who come to this board wanting sex with others , at the exclusion of, or expense of thier partners feelings are ferreted out pretty quickly and , for the most part shunned by the board.
Again, I applaud your positive attitude, your efforts, your communicating. I think you will find all of it very rewarding. Best of everything to you.
mr rmrx2