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She says this is the lifestyle, get used to it.
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This is not correct. Your situation is not the lifestyle.
I don't want to be presumptious here, given that while you have posted quite eloquently and most likely accurately about the situation, it's still only a posting and forgoes an ability for the rest of us to hear from both parties and others involved as to just what exactly it going on.
With that being said.... this is not about swinging, IMHO. This is about her having the respect, care and love for you to put your marriage first and foremost. I'm not reading that.
I also resent, always, the 'lifestyle' being used as an excuse to behave abhorrently to a loved one or partner, and perhaps used as an excuse to end or corrupt an existing relationship. Which is why I don't often respond to posts such as these....but..in your case.... you've asked at least twice for input...and in a sincere and open manner.
Hope this helps.