My husband had brought up the idea of swinging for about eight years before I finally agreed to try it. He told me that his biggest fantasy was to see me with another guy - and I had always told him that I didn't want to be with another woman...and that I wouldn't want to see him with another woman. Well, I agreed to try swinging - but I wanted to go in slowly so that I could be comfortable with it. We discussed our fears and agreed that it would have to be with someone out of town and not a friend and that there would be no women (he still insisted that he did not really want that - but that if I wanted to in the future - he would certainly agree). We had a MFM with a friend and YES! I did like it and was comfortable with it (even though he had pushed the boundries and broke two of the rules that we discussed).
Well, the problem is - he asked if we could do a couple and I told him I would look into it and see if I thought it would be something I would be comfortable with, but please don't push it because I wasn't really sure about it and had expressed that from the start. He set up a meeting with a couple from out of town and suprized me with it. It was a horrible experience - the guy was bi and the girl was too and they were into witchcraft heavily and other stuff (not that I'm judging - just way not within my realm). Well, anyway neither of us was attracted to them - but I thought I would just do it and see if I could handle it. I didn't experience any jealousy from seeing him screw the other woman - but I think that is because I knew he didn't find her attractive. And I tried looking over at them every once in a while to see if I could be turned on by seeing him with another woman at all - NOTHING!
But now we have been in several MFM's (ALL at his suggestion) and I want to do the couple thing for him. I have a problem, though. I still am not bi and I don't know how I am going to take it if I think the other woman is more attractive than me or if she gives him a better orgasm than me. I would like to think that I could just be jealous for the minute, and be happy that he is getting some pleasure - but I am not sure that I can. I really, really love him and don't want something to screw up what we've got.
He has sincerely apologized for crossing the boundaries before and he has not done it again. He said he thought I was just waiting for him to take the first step. He has also told me that the couples thing is not that big of a deal for him and he would be happy to stick with just doing the MFM thing - or if I am not comfortable with that, then stopping altogether. I do like the MFM thing (c'mon - what woman wouldn't) but truthfully, I could live with it or without it. It is always him who suggests we do it again. I have conciously looked for men that are not attractive (not ugly - but just so-so looking) so as not to make him feel threatened or in competition. He says he doesn't care if I pick MR. America, if I get pleasure from it then that is what turns him on - but he mostly gets turned on by watching how much the other guy likes what he is getting and knowing that he will remember how awesome it was and want it again for a very long time - he says it is kinda like his way of bragging.
The thing is - I feel guilty that I don't feel the same way. It does not turn me on thinking of him with someone else. Not in the least little bit. I have told him that and he says he understands and that it really is not a big deal to him. But I WANT to give it to him. Please PLEASE someone tell me how to get past my feelings of jealousy! I know he will be coming home with me - I have no worries that he is looking for someone to replace me or that he would do it without me. He has had chances to screw around and hasn't. I guess I am afraid that if someone is better than me, that he will be thinking about how he wants it again (like he says the other guys do when they get me). I am afraid it will make me feel insecure in the bedroom and about myself in general. He is really supportive and insists that it is just a fantasy of his, but that his best fantasy and the one that gets him off the most is the MFM.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! Someone tell me how to get over this or about some of your feelings and how you dealt with them. Are my worries just "newbie jitters" - fears of the unknown - or am I just not suited to this lifestyle? I really feel guilty and feel like I am being a selfish bitch, but I don't want to jump into something that could possibly cause a major problem if I can't handle it.
[ 12-18-2001: Message edited by: skeghed ]