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I find it more than a little short-sighted of your husband saying he basically wants it all or nothing. It seems he should realize he stands a far better chance of getting to jump off the high dive if he spends time wading until you too feel comfortable about the idea of the high dive. There's no guarantee you will ever want the high dive - - but I think it will be easier for you to consider it if you've already gotten wet while wading.
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We agree completely with this statement (I just couldn't have put it like you did!)
We are a full-swap couple that prefer same room but have also experienced different rooms. We have also experienced soft swaps as well. I too when we started was not sure how I would feel seeing my husband with someone else - it was all so new but worked out fine.
As many others on the boards in the past have said, move at the slowest pace of your partner. I don't really know how to take his opinion of "if I can't have it all, we will have nothing", but can understand that he has his own expectations as well.
I hope that you are able to get him to the website to see some of the advise offered. Good luck!