 Di
Di,
I usually lurk here because as a sociology minor, human interaction fascinates me.
Along with this group I visit several other "lifestyle" groups, ranging from ultra right to ultra left, to see reactions and get a different perspective. Often my involvement stems from my curiousity. If I don't understand something I become obsessed by it until I either incorporate it into my life or leave it by.
What I don't understand here is WHY are you HERE?
Based on your experience, your feelings and the overt and covert hostility you've expressed, what exactly were you trying to accomplish on this newsgroup?
You took the time to create a user name ( and I notice that it included him) and post. Though your second post was more informative your 1st one came off pretty hostile towards the people in this lifestyle. This is like marinating yourself in A-1 sauce before standing in front of a hord of lions. It isn't going to make things worse, but it sure won't help!
So what are you you looking for from these people?
The way I see it is you made 3 HUGE mistakes!
1) You told your SO about previous expriences you did not want to repeat.
2) You repeated them with your SO
3) you are blaming HIM for your behavior and more importantly your feelings!
No one, and I mean NO ONE can MAKE you DO anything against your will! People can force themselves on you i.e. a man can hold you down and rape you, but that is NOT you having sex with him.
YOU decided to "give in" as you call it and do something he wanted, then you tried using it as a weapon against him ( the bit about "see what he is giving away")
Your plan back fired on you and now you blame him.
Your relationship, and I use that term loosely, problems are not about swinging or even sex. It is about power and control.
From what you have written this is as much your fualt as it is his, but you can not change or control him. You can only take responsibility for YOU.
Other people have commented here that you should put your foot down one more time talk to him one more time etc.
I say YOU need to talk to YOU! You know one of those look yourself in the mirror and stop lying kind of talks.
If doing these things (swinging) are so repulsive to you, why did you come here for advise? Why did you try using it as a weapon?
Why exactly are you so willing to do things that you say are against your beliefs and then blame others for YOUR behavior?
Contrary to popular belief ANY long lasting relationship is based on compromise. No one lives in a purely 50/50 relationship where both parties get equally what they want.
I have friends who are currently going through a devorce because
he loves saltwater aquariums and she hates the mess his activites around the aquarium make in the house. He says that their sex lives is out of this world, yet he is unwilling to give up his hobby and she is unwilling to make any compromises on this issue. Does this make sense to you? It doesn't to me, but this is reality!
You've made a compromise. Now you have to figure out whether YOU can live within the scope of compromise you've created! The only person responsible for this is YOU.
You have 2 choices;
1) you accept the compromise you've made - balance the things you gain from the relationship, ( which frankly sounds like NILL) accept this as part of the bargain and quit whining.
or
2) You leave! And I don't mean tomorrow or after you had that talk or when the moon is full. I mean RIGHT NOW!
As for him? He has to make the same choice. Either he wants you and accepts the bargain or he doesn't, but that is HIS responsibility!
Corwyn
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