[ricndi032903]

Hello and I do say thank you for the replies, very sincerely,

but calmly speaking, I'd like to explain just a bit as to why I am so very defensive (but not with you all), the way you choose to live and who you have sex with is your own personal choice, with no judgement from me....if it's good and works for you, then wonderful.

When Ric and I first met, we disgused our past, we confided in each other, our fears, our dreams, our wants out of life, I told him of things in my past, things that hurt me, almost drove me to the brink of killing myself, he too told me of his past, how he hurt for many years, his thoughts of ending it all....then as time went by and we began building a future together, he told me about these "fantacies" (wanting to take me to a strip club, because guys are so impressed when a man has his woman there, his couriousness over what goes on at a Swing Club, voyeurism, and of course having a 3sum,) at first thought I laughed and thought to myself, he's just saying this to appear open minded, this isn't really something he wants for us or for our relationship, especially after the lives he and I both had. So basicly I disregarded what he was saying (big mistake on my part)

Soon after we moved in together, he began hinting for that 3sum, knowing that was a painful part of my past, that I had done it for an old b/f years ago with catistroftic results, I was humilated, embarassed, my self esteem was lower then shit.

He pushed and pushed, he yelled at me cause I didn't want to do that again in my life and that it wasn't something I wanted to do years ago, that I only did it to make my b/f happy, and how he hurt me with it, all Ric could say was how he must be the better man cause I gave him something that I wont do for him, how he felt cheated out of something that was "rightfully" his, how he's paying for some other ass holes mistake, and that if I wasn't made to be humilated and etc, if it was handled better then I might be more ok with it now, needless to say, he yelled his views as I cried and attempted to explain that I didn't want it back then and don't want it now , that the thought of loosing his respect would kill me, kill us.

Nothing I could say or do would make him understand that I ONLY wanted HIM, and that if he truely loved me, that in my mind & heart that he should only want me, that did nothing, after an argument that carried over to the outside and he yelled at me that he was going to have his fantacies even if it meant leaving me and going back where he's from to find someone else that "thought like him" and that would want "what he wanted", I knew I had NO CHOICE but to give him what he wanted, even though he knew it was hurting me, so eventually I gave in after 10 months of on and off again yelling and fighting over him wanting a 3sum so he could be the better man, I finally gave in and did it, I came away with the same feelings of years ago, he however had not one thought as to what it was doing to me, he enjoyed what he got, I enjoyed knowing that he finally got what he wanted so badly, so in my "crazy" state of mind, I set up another 3sum but this time on my terms, I wanted him to sit and watch as I gave the man what I only give him, (less the kissing) let me tell you he didn't like it at all, he saw for the first time what he had done to me, what he was giving away, well his change of heart at not wanting to share me and have a normal marriage only lasted 2 or 3 days, and then he was back on the swinging kick, he learned no lasting heart lessons.

I wanted him to get a real good look at what he has now and that after his 22 years of begging his x wife for meaningless unsatisfing sex was not what he really wanted for us. But like I said, his change of heart didn't last for long, he still see's no harm in fucking other people for fun as harmful to us, that touching someone else is not wrong to him, well he can't see or comprehand that for US as a unit when I want nothing to do with touching or haveing sex with someone other then the man I promised myself to, that for us it is wrong and harmful.

You can take and make any opinion from what I've tried to explain and come to your own conclusion, but remember the posting "Sad Sight" in this forum and think how many women out there are doing this for their husbands or SO's, when talking and communicating does no good to open their eyes that this may not be the lifestyle for them, that this fantacy may not be what they really want, that it's not healthy to live this way when one person can't.

thanks, Di