IMHO, I’d say that how this incident is judged depends largely (entirely?) upon how your friend’s motives for visiting you that morning are interpreted.
If it truly was an innocent “stopped by just to see how you are” visit that got out of hand, then you and this man can console yourselves with the thought that you’ve given into unforeseen lust. How big a deal this is would depend on the reactions of your respective spouses if they were to be told. Given the closeness that seems to exist between the four of you, it might not create much of a stir at all.
However, the cynic in me can’t help but wonder how innocent this other man’s intentions were. He drops by at a time when he knows both of your partners are committed at work. He tells you he wants to cuddle (something you normally do only when together as a foursome), and then helps to make things go further. I wouldn’t absolve you of your part in this (after all, it really does take two to tango), but my instincts say that you’ve been led astray by this man. I’d present the fact that he wants to keep this incident secret from his wife and your husband as evidence for that belief.
But whichever way you interpret this man’s intentions, the whole incident smacks of betrayal. You’ve both betrayed the established pattern of behaviour between the four of you, and possibly betrayed your relationship with your partners as well (I say ‘possibly’ because, after all, they could both turn around and say, “Hey! What a great idea!”) And if my assessment of this man is correct, he has betrayed the other three of you. His betrayal is worse, because it was calculated. You reacted to a situation. He instigated the situation in the first place.
What to do now? Well, if you say nothing, then surely you are saying that you believe what you did was wrong. Why else keep it a secret? Why else say that you’d do things differently next time?
Your instinct is to be honest with your husband, that, even though he might be upset, he would probably understand. So why not follow that instinct? Be honest with him now. The other man says he wants to keep it a secret. What if he changes his mind, and tells his wife? Do you want your husband to learn about this from you, or from her? Give the other man fair warning of your intention to be honest, but tell your husband. If I were him, I’d want to know the truth about a man who felt he could “pop round” to borrow my wife any time he felt like it.
It's a horrible situation, because it might bring to an end a relationship that's worked well for nine months. But your relationship with your husband is surely priority one. Make that your vanguard.
I accept that I may be doing this other man a disservice. But I don’t think so.
Offered for what it is worth. I hope that, whatever you decide to do, things work out for you.
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