Well, my first inpression here is: she's right, you're wrong.
It wasn't written on stone (an not even in paper) that fantasies are meant to happen in reality. If that were true, there would be so many bosses and mothers in law murdered that half of the world population would have to be cops to handle the cases.
Fantasies are a cool way to release stress and to figure out "what if" you were someone else than the one you are (implying you're not the same than the one in the fantasy), or "how would" you deal with a theorethical scenario, or simply a way to play with thoughts that would be too dangerous physically or emotionally for you to bring to reality.
And this works the same way for both of you; let me give you an example:
Quote:
Originally Posted by isikar  I tried to paint the image that I fantasize about, which is having a couple or couples that we can be friend with outside of swinging but also enjoy playing with as well. Normal people like us with jobs and kids and flaws, but I don't think I sold it well. |
Ok, I don't know wheter you actually believe this or if it's a way to handle her objections, but this picture comes from your fantasy and this sort of relationships (friends first, then sex) become so conflictive that hardly you end up having sex, even more, if you read around, is the sort of scenarios that most swingers would deem unadvisable to pursue.
So your wife require to "stage" the fantasy in a remote place where no one would be able to trace your two back to your real life (the risk to avoid), and instead of staging, you're writting a script for the other actors that the experience says it is an unrealistic behavior, so unrealistic as travelling across the world to have sex.
If fantasies were lies of some sort, you're not attempting to disclose a lie with a truth but with another lie. The fact is, both of you have some desires that you two deem as risky (even when not pondering the same risks) and by now you enjoy releasing the stress by sharing and staging the fantasy in a "feasible" way to handle it. But your wife seems to be more aware than you about the risks.
You have to accept fantasies are deemed to remain as such, and I strongly believe that once you accept that fact you're opening the door to actually bring some of those fantasies to reality, since just once you're no longer in a rush to do it, you can take the time to assest and handle the risks with a cold blood. At least, this is what happened to us, it took 15 years for us to start thinking of swinging as a real posibility. I once was much in the same place you're today and my wife was reluctanct, until I gave up and let it go for good. Then she began to give it a serious thought.
There's a motto a lot of swingers share: "we're swingers because we CAN, and not because we NEED. Should we find out we're doing this because of a NEED, then we shouldn't swing anymore".
Your wife may perceive your attempts to convince her and overcome her fears (with your own set of fantasies) as the risk of facing something you NEED, hence once she gives up should she regret it, it would be hard for her to "bring you back".
So, let it go. She already know what you want, what you fantasize and, the good news is, she share those fantasies. Allow her to give this a thought without your interference, give her time and space, and be gladly up to the chance that you two may never swing... and then it MAY happen.
As part of this, invite her to read and participate in the board on her own. Allow her (and yourself) to replace some features of your fantasies that comes from the lack of information about the lifestyle and the swingers, by actual information from the swingers. Allow yourseves to relplace the fantasized risks with the information about the real risks to face, because they're not as many nor the same you may think.