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Originally Posted by JustAskJulie  The first thing that comes to my mind is that the situation you put her in (in the hot tub) WAS WRONG! And that may be what is standing out in her head.
You asked a male friend of yours who is married, whose wife was present but not in sight line to touch your wife, without his wife's knowledge or consent. That may well be what is pressing in the back of your wife's head. The fact that what you basically did was invite your male friend to cheat on his wife. His wife was not interested in even having sex in the same hot tub. He stopped touching your wife when she returned and could see what is going on. SO now he's lying to his wife (and so are you and your wife). Think about how guilty she might be feeling about what she's just done to her friend.
You need to realize that in doing that, you have basically given your wife the idea (whether she consciously realizes it or not) that swinging and cheating are the same thing. Chances are that this is exactly what she sees as so wrong with a mmf scenario. |
What Julie just stated is dead-on. The husband did not his wife's permission or approval, and your wife now feels "dirty". Swinging is not about feeling dirty. It's about mutual consent, from all parties involved, and to enhance your sexuality and sexual enjoyment as a couple. Since this was a couple, but only 1/2 was involved, that does not constitute mutual consent.
Your wife may be feeling extreme guilt over that situation. She may have enjoyed it in the heat of the moment, but what was "wrong" was that it wasn't really swinging. It was a married man who touched her without his wife's permission, and it also sounds like without your wife's permisison. You asked him to touch her in the heat of the moment. Did she actually consent, or was she so wrapped up in the sexuality that she never really responded with a "yes" or "no". If she never had that opportunity to give her own consent, that could also be the cause of her morality issues.
You two have to open up to each other, and really talk about that moment in the hot tub. It can't be a drunken conversation, a heat-of-the-moment argument, or a middle-of-sex discussion. 100% sober at the breakfast table over coffee conversation. Talk it out. Try to get her to open up about why she is so bothered and upset about swinging. You say she once seemed interested. So talk to her, and listen to her, about why she feels differently now.
Forget getting around any issues. And forget trying to "get her" to swing. Shut up and listen to what she has to say, and take it from there. And if she tells you there is no chance in hell she would ever consider swinging, you have to accept that. But the real issue is, if she was at one point considering it herself, and now shuts down when the discussion comes up, there is something bothering her that you do not know or understand yet. Break down the barrier of communication, and you just might get there. No pressure, no force. Get inside her head and her shoes and understand where she's coming from
Mr & Mrs NC