Quote:
Originally Posted by NCfuncouple98  Honestly I really was Queen Vanilla. It just slowly worked itself that way as we explored with porn, conversations, sex toys, and just open conversation, as well as fantasies. That was the key to opening the door. |
Very good post, Mrs. NC!!
Hi Trent! I want to formally
you to the board! There really are some great people here with some great advice.
You sound like many husbands/wives who come in and ask how to get their spouses to swing. Well, one way doesn't work for everyone. It's the old proverbial getting a horse to water but you can't make him drink scenario. You can talk until you're blue in the face, but actually convincing her that this is what she wants is not up to you. Just to reiterate, she does have to want this, too. Some couples, no matter how much they love each other, no matter how much they talk are never meant to swing and that's OK.
When my husband brought it up to me the first time, he'd talk about the fantasies. He never pushed or prodded. But if I asked him questions, he was honest about what he wanted. Now, even though we were totally monogamous for those two plus decades, I always had my inner fantasies that I didn't share with him. My inner self told me that people shouldn't be monogamous, but society tells us different. I kept my vanilla tiara firmly planted on my skull.
A month or two go by and he brings it up again. Not pushy, but just planting those seeds.
If you read the threads here, you know that communication is paramount in starting and maintaining a healthy swinging relationship. Being totally honest in your feelings is a priority. Of course I had the "what ifs" when Dave and I first talked about it. What if she's prettier than I am? What if she's better than I am? What if she's this or that? It was a never ending self-esteem issue with me.
If your wife gets to the point where she's willing to talk, chat about it over coffee at the kitchen table. That's neutral territory. When you talk about threesomes or couples in the bedroom, it seems that maybe the fantasy only comes up when you two are making love. Does that make sense?
Bringing her to this board and looking through threads is an excellent idea. This is where I came for research before even thinking about swinging with my husband. Well, I asked questions, I read threads until I thought my eyes would fall out. I learned, I talked with my husband more and then we talked more and more again. We talked outside the bedroom about what we both wanted. We made rules.
Like Mrs. NC... I was the queen of vanillatown. It took some time, but it wasn't pushed or shoved on me. We talked about it rationally.
We really both wish you good luck!