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pants_1 · 01-24-2009, 03:32 PM

ncmd_couple,

I replied to your post a little on the other thread, but I wanted to put a small comment here as well.

I don't think our relationship is really a candidate for polyamory, because, according to my wife, she doesn't feel love in "that way" anyway. But what she wants is close, in that she wants to "have her cake and eat it too." She wants the sedate, reliable, caring, sensitive father and husband who will always be there for her, and she wants the rough-and-tumble, hard-body bad boy to go crazy with every once in a while. That's my take, anyway.

My first girlfriend asked for this explicitly, but in that case, it was just a stage in breaking up. Also, knowing that my wife doesn't really love me, in addition to being willing to hurt me to get what she wants, makes the situation a little different. But she is still my best friend, and the mother of my child...

Your story is very interesting, especially since it is a work-in-progress. I am very sympathetic. Having seen a lot of failed relationships, I would be concerned for you about your efforts to set up an "alternative life" to move to. The problem I've seen in my first girlfriends' entire family, the matron of honor from my wedding, my mother-in-law, and half the female student body of Texas Tech University, is that it becomes a pattern. The person puts so much into a relationship, probably more than they should. Sometimes they adopt the lifestyle and habits of their SO, even changing the way they think to conform. Then they start to feel that they are put upon. They give and give, being more and more selfless. They start to build a sense of entitlement. Eventually, that entitlement justifies cheating; the marriage is "dead," so they have every right to move on. So they develop a new situation somewhere else, set everything up, and then just up and move into it with little or no warning. When this happens repeatedly, it is the worst form of serial monogamy.

Does this sound like your situation? It's beginning to sound like mine. Ironic, since my wife grew up in the shadow of this, and it is the one thing she swore never to do!

01-24-2009, 03:32 PM	#19 (permalink)
pants_1 Here to Stay Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 50 Location: ... Status: ...	Re: Okay, here goes! ncmd_couple, I replied to your post a little on the other thread, but I wanted to put a small comment here as well. I don't think our relationship is really a candidate for polyamory, because, according to my wife, she doesn't feel love in "that way" anyway. But what she wants is close, in that she wants to "have her cake and eat it too." She wants the sedate, reliable, caring, sensitive father and husband who will always be there for her, and she wants the rough-and-tumble, hard-body bad boy to go crazy with every once in a while. That's my take, anyway. My first girlfriend asked for this explicitly, but in that case, it was just a stage in breaking up. Also, knowing that my wife doesn't really love me, in addition to being willing to hurt me to get what she wants, makes the situation a little different. But she is still my best friend, and the mother of my child... Your story is very interesting, especially since it is a work-in-progress. I am very sympathetic. Having seen a lot of failed relationships, I would be concerned for you about your efforts to set up an "alternative life" to move to. The problem I've seen in my first girlfriends' entire family, the matron of honor from my wedding, my mother-in-law, and half the female student body of Texas Tech University, is that it becomes a pattern. The person puts so much into a relationship, probably more than they should. Sometimes they adopt the lifestyle and habits of their SO, even changing the way they think to conform. Then they start to feel that they are put upon. They give and give, being more and more selfless. They start to build a sense of entitlement. Eventually, that entitlement justifies cheating; the marriage is "dead," so they have every right to move on. So they develop a new situation somewhere else, set everything up, and then just up and move into it with little or no warning. When this happens repeatedly, it is the worst form of serial monogamy. Does this sound like your situation? It's beginning to sound like mine. Ironic, since my wife grew up in the shadow of this, and it is the one thing she swore never to do!