I'll echo what Mrs. Fuse has said above. Take it to heart. She's spot on. I was briefly in a poly triad, and everything she speaks of is true from my limited experience with that.
(Side note: Your thread is of interest to us because you had a similar rule to ours; cutting off cold turkey if romantic attachments develop.)
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Originally Posted by babycole  Not having the kind of poly, friends with benefits, etc. relationship with this guy is definitely an option! It's what has been so far. |
I would add here that the second guy ("Bob") should not be aware of or involved in the discussion you're having with your husband about engaging in a poly triad. It should be a team decision you and your husband both make. Keeping Bob up to date, involved, etc. will just create undue stress on everyone.
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Originally Posted by babycole What I am looking for is info on how to make him a little less insecure and more confident in our own relationship, which is a great one already! Maybe I am looking at this wrong? It just seems to me that his insecurities seem like either #1: That he's not as secure in our own relationship as he claims, or that #2: He hasn't fully grasped the possibility of more than one love? |
A husband who is secure enough in a relationship to happily allow his wife to have sex with other men is hardly lacking in the security category! Security is based, in part, on an understanding of what will probably happen given certain constructs in a situation. Allow me to explain.
I'm happily confident and completely trusting that my wife will not continue a sex relationship with another man if she begins to have romantic feelings for him. If she doesn't develop such emotions, she can have sex with him as much as she wants, so long as I'm not left out or excluded if I want to be included. She can even love him if she feels that way, but love in a friends sense...not a romantic sense, and I'm happy to have her still have sex with him as much as she wants. I am very secure in this scenario because I know how my wife will respond to such situations. I have zero doubts about what she would do. She will tell me, and she will break it off. I have no concerns on that.
Now, if after having sex with a guy many times she tells me she's beginning to fall in love with him, I'd ask it to be cut off cold turkey. If she told me instead that she's having a hard time doing that, my security would vanish. I would not want her to play with
anyone, much less the guy she's falling in love with, until I am assured of her ability to cut things off. If my wife did start to fall for someone, the sooner she cuts it off the better for her and me. If my wife instead said she's considering a poly triad relationship with this guy, that she loves me no less and wants me to consider the possibility I would feel a bit betrayed and insecure about what was happening and why. I would
not want to be in that triad.
Flip it around, and it might be different. If instead my wife approached me about the possibility of being in a poly triad, and she was NOT currently having sex with someone or had any one guy in mind, I'd feel like it was a more upfront discussion that we could have without having a third person to consider in the mix. We could honestly discuss the possibility and then decide together. If we decided to have a poly triad, THEN I would feel confident moving forward to find the right third for us.
In your situation, the cart's in front of the horse. No wonder your husband is displaying signs of insecurity!
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Originally Posted by babycole But, the part that bothers me more than the possibility that we may or may not have a poly situation blooming is that he possibly doesn't have the confidence in our relationship that I always thought we had. What are your thoughts? |
I think he has PLENTY of confidence in your relationship. But, you are serving him a plate he never expected to have to consider eating and then equating his negative response to insecurity. Not wanting
this poly triad doesn't mean he's insecure or incapable of considering a poly relationship.
If you think you're ready and able to be in a poly triad, then great for you. That's wonderful! Really, it is! But, your best course of action is to back up, remove this second guy from consideration for the triad, tell your husband as much, and then start from square zero. Work together, step by step, towards an amicable decision that you
both want with regards to being in a poly triad or quad even.