[The Fuse]

It is very easy for many us to say that we would never find another relationship that would be a threat to the one we share with our spouse. Sometimes that is true, and sometimes when I have heard it said, I think it is just the "right" thing to say. I know you are very concerned about your husband and have no doubt that you are sincere.

It is also easy to say that our spouse wouldn't lose any of our love, affection, energy or time if we became involved with another person. However, practicalities are bitches. If you are out with your SO on Saturday night, or shopping with him on Sunday, then your husband is probably seeing less of you or at least seeing less of you without sharing your attention.

For you, I think it is important to take a really deep breath and ask yourself very seriously whether there is no possibility that your husband might start to feel like he is getting less of you, or worse, if he might start to wonder whether there is the faintest possibility of you slipping away. I say this as an experienced poly person -- one quad, and one close relationship with a married playmate, in which my husband played with the other wife but was not close with her. I haven't had the situation you're describing, where there is another (sort of) single guy. I am sure that would not work for Mr. Fuse, though it could and does work for others.

My thought is that if you can really, really say that your husband has nothing to worry about either in the day-to-day or the long term, then hopefully he will develop that confidence that you want him to have. But if what he sees is his wife getting very excited and falling in love, and doesn't have that absolute confidence, then I would not be surprised if his feelings are iffy at best.

Another thing is that when there is a single involved, and one spouse is "left out" for want of a better term, that spouse needs to have a sincere desire to see you reap all the emotional rewards that this other relationship can bring. Some people call that "compersion". If he is just okay with it, then when the stress of normal life intrudes, or if the two of you have a run-of-the-mill fight, he may feel worse at that time about your other relationship.

Mr. Fuse and I were involved in a quad, so there was a sort of equity involved in that. Both of us paid a lot of attention to the opposite sex members of the other couple, and the lady and I were in love too. So Mr. Fuse wasn't the only one gaining a close connection; I did too. In your case, unless your husband and the other guy are close and/or bisexual, your husband may not see this situation as a winning one for him. Also, we had no doubts about whether an unattached person would start to want too much.

I would love to see your husband post to this board and express his feelings in his own words. You have written about how he feels, which is good, but I am curious to know what he has said.