Quote:
Originally Posted by JustAskJulie  It's possible. You said she told you she was just playing along and didn't intend to go further. When you tried to undo her bra that may have been pushing past the boundary she had already set. She was wearing spanks (those things ain't easy to get off) so just with that I'd say she didn't intend much to happen.
Add to that that the guy was sick drunk, and if she was thinking straight at all she wouldn't have wanted to go further. I'm surprised she still wanted to kiss him after that. :ick:
It's possible. You say she gets defensive and clams up when you address issues. You know her better than we do. The only way to find out the answer to this is to work on the communication issues that are here and get past them.
The fact that friend is
1. a friend
2. vanilla
are definately issues you should look into more. Take some time and read through some of the threads in the archive regarding swinging and friendship. You'll find that it is often a bad mix. If things take a wrong turn, are you willing to lose a friend over this?
As far as it detering him from seeking out his own mates/ getting attached to your wife. That's a possibility with any single (whether or not they are previously vanilla) and something to be careful of.
perhaps you would both be better off if you put your focus on finding other couples rather than a single guy. It seems that most of your issues center around the fact that you are dealing with a single guy (therefore she is getting attention and you are not, and there is no female for you to get attention from).
It is very hard for anyone to split their attention equally between two people. So many people have the wrong idea about threesomes... guys especially... seem to think that if they are with two girls that it's all about them getting attention. On one hand it can be, but on the other hand, think about it, how hard would it be for you to really give attention to two different women? For that reason, I've always said that when in a threesome situation like that it really should be about the middle person. If it's two guys and a girl then it's up to the guys to be giving her attention and make sure they are getting what they need. If it's two (straight) girls and a guy, then it's much simpler (dick and mouth).
If you want more attention in this type of situation then you have to take action to get it. If she's dancing too much with another guy then go out there and cut in. If she's spending too much time/attention on someone else then go out there and get her attention.
Let me translate this for you: "Honey, I wish you would have told me that my attempts to dress sexy had worked and commented on how great I looked."
See my above statement about trying to split attention. If you can cope with what I've said and agree that if it's a threesome with two guys and a girl that they should be giving her attention and she shouldn't feel like she has to split hers, then tell her that and let her know that she can just relax and enjoy the attention without feeling like she has to be splitting her attention. Unfortunately, from all that you've said, I don't think you can agree with that. And she was probably right to feel that by you putting your hands on her you were looking for attention from her. From everything you've said that appears to be the case.
You have to talk to her openly and find a way so that you can both enjoy without anyone feeling obligated or over-stressed. |
Julie, thank you so much for the input! I was dying to get some answers from anybody willing to help.
I understand what you are saying regarding the "3rd wheel" kind of arrangement, and with it being a friend, I could see how it could definitely lead to some sticky situations.
I agree that we have communication issues to work on; I need to be more forward about my expectations and she needs to be more upfront about her boundaries as well as her expectations are.
When I used to be more self confident, I probably wouldnt have second guessed her not showing me enough attention, because I would have taken her cues to flirt with other women.
I think there are three main issues here: not enough communication, messing around with a vanilla friend and my own self image.
I think that we work on all 3 of the aspects, this could be a very good thing.