Wow. I just want to say thanks for all the thoughtful questions and responses put forth in this thread.
My husband and I have noted that, at least for us, there is a sort of hierarchical nature to the partners we've encountered: the fun fly-by-nighters, with or without the potential for more; the occasional couples we could meet 2-3X year and enjoy; and then there are the couples that we really, really like, of which some we'll meet monthly or even more often. Those frequent flyer couples have produced in us the most emotions, which is, I suppose, normal. It's difficult to spend a lot of time with people and not develop some sort of feelings for them.
Now I believe, personally (I won't even try to speak for my better half on this), that love is a choice. The concepts of "falling in love" and "soulmates" are, to me, mythical. And no, I don't have a romantic bone in my body (poor hubby
). So it is easy for me to understand what I would deem to be
a decision to love more than one person.
So in reading this thread, I find myself questioning why, if I can understand it, I'm not the traditional "exclusive" poly. I do believe in the unlimited capacity of the human heart to love, after all. But I think that for me, it's a matter of practicality and experience. We have and will continue to enjoy a
variety of sexual partners. Any exclusivity with others would diminish that. My husband is primary, and our commitment is born of love, time, and experience together. I
know him and know how to work with him to achieve common goals. To introduce a new player or players to the team would be, at best, difficult. I also prefer
being primary. I never want to have to question my husband's number one relationship priority. I need a certain amount of security and control in my life, and our marital commitment and family provide that. And aside from all that, I'm amazed anyone finds the time between the rat race and the primary relationship to bring anyone else so close. So I think these factors combine to create
my choice to not seek the
traditional poly relationship. They don't prevent me, however, from caring deeply for others, and as a couple, we would probably fall on the poly end, rather than the "use them and lose them" end of the spectrum.
Risk. Risk was mentioned. To care deeply for someone other than your partner is risky, indeed, because you stand to be hurt. But frankly, vanilla friends and family hold that same power. And there is a truth in the notion that where nothing is ventured, nothing is gained. So the question becomes, is life enhanced by caring for others? Well, for us it is. By the same token, not everyone is the same. And we know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that what works for us does not translate to everyone.
Again, thanks to all the other responders for giving me great food for thought.