 Re: First timers
ok,
First we would like to say thanks for all the advice. Once again everyone here has been very helpful.
Secondly we would like to update our progress. We now have met three couples out for "non play-dates". The first couple we already mentioned. They were both very nice, but not really right for us. The second couple we met were a great match for friends, though sexually, there doesn't seem to be a lot of chemistry even though they are both very attractive and nice people. To be honest their relationship doesn't seem all that balanced either. He is really into swinging and she isn't. They have had some experience but have admitted to only doing so under the influence of a lot of alcohol. She has also voice some regret. The upside is we are becoming friends. They are our same age and we have the same interests. Really we're happy being just friends with them. Its actually nice to have someone we can talk to with out the fear of being judged. The third couple is great. They seem very patient and we are all attracted to each other. They are probably our best bet for a first experience. If we do this they seem like a great option to do it with.
Also we have been to another party. This one was an off premise party and we had a lot of fun. The wife got hit on a quite a bit and she even managed to make out a little with another man we had been talking online with. She is still not exactly sure how she feels about it. It was more uncomfortable, being that she was kissing some stranger, than fun.
On the plus side we are getting everything that we wanted out of this LS so far. The wife is beginning to come out of her shell and be less shy. The sex is better, the communication is better, we're spending more time together, and we're making new friends. This might not seem like a big deal, but the wife sang karaoke in public for the first time in front of strangers and enjoyed it. This might not seem like a big deal but it was huge.
BUT we both are still not ready.
First off. The wife is terribly nervous. Its her way of dealing with new experiences in general. Something new always makes her nervous. As a fantasy, all this is great. When it becomes real she get nervous, she clams up, her palms get sweaty, and sometimes even gets to the point of tears. Fear is a big stepping stone for us. Fear of being naked in front of someone else, fear of rejection, fear of poor performance, fear of regret, even a fear of liking it to much. The good news is that this fear is getting smaller over time. Does it ever go away completely and we just need to wait and be more patient? or is it something that needs to get to a point where it is manageable? For instance when we went para sailing we were both pretty scared of it until afterward when we were both back on solid ground. It was scary, but we really enjoyed the ride and are happy we did it.
Also, we are both afraid of doing it for the wrong reasons. The wife wants to do it, but part of her is afraid she wants to do it to make the husband happy. (* this is not sexual.) Its just so much good has come of it so far, the wife feels worried that she is wanting to swinging, not because she wants to have sex, but because she wants to be more confident and sexual for her husband. The fantasy of it seems nice to both of us, but how can you be sure that you are actually right for this? Can you be sure before your first experience?
Something else we battle is "Is this right?" Every thing we found online from therapists claim that is wrong and no married couple should do this. They can't all be wrong, can they? It is not that we're morally against this, its just that we are both know that society sees this as wrong. We are getting to the point where we are letting go of this, but when our local news station runs a news story about how another dark dirty swinger club was shut down and it is treated as if cops busted up a drug ring, its hard to ignore.
Anyways that is our update, we are moving forward and enjoying the benefits so far. Thanks in advance of any additional advice. |