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Originally Posted by CallMeLoki  Thanks for the post. I think I catch your drift here. My wife has made it clear to the young fellow in question that he's a chat friend, a cyber-sex partner, and in person would be a "sex toy with a heartbeat"...nothing more. She's also made it perfectly clear to him that she's happy with me, and intends to keep it that way. I totally trust her to manage their relationship in a way that is not detrimental to us. (Now, maybe I'm being naive here, but I don't think so. As I said before, neither my wife nor I have ever cheated on each other...we seem to know how to handle our own emotions, even in cases where we might be infatuated with another person.) |
Unfortunately, based on experience, I can tell you that it really doesn't matter what you tell him. He will agree to anything while his raging hormones are in control. The important thing is, does he understand swinging, and truly accept and respect all that it entails. We see a lot of single guys at the clubs we attend, and my guess is that less than 10% of them understand what swinging really is about.
As far as you or your wife's motivations are concerned, I have seen nothing here that would worry me so far.
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Originally Posted by CallMeLoki To me, it seems like it would be much more enjoyable to her (and to me) for her to have sex with someone that she truly likes and has pent-up desire for rather than someone she just met at a swinger party, etc. I know the same would be true for me...I'd much more enjoy doing someone I had known for a while and liked as a person rather than someone I had just met, given equally attractive. Again, maybe I'm being naive (someone candidly tell me so if you think that's the case), but I believe we would both be able to manage any emotions in the right way. Somebody smack me if this is a red flag, please! |
SMACK!!!
Well, not really a red flag, in fact it is a pretty common feeling for new swingers to have. What you don't realize yet is that it is just as easy (way easier than we thought when we were in your position) to find someone you like that gets you just as hot and turned on within the swinging community as it is outside of it. Actually it is much easier within the swinging community than outside of it, mainly because their is much less risk of the drama I have warned of within the swinging community. So, it is much easier to let yourself go and get to know someone without any worries they will take it the wrong way and create drama later.
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Originally Posted by CallMeLoki I'm not at all concerned that my wife would even feel tempted to ditch me for this 22 year old recent college grad, even if he tried to work that angle. My wife and I worked through some serious issues a few months ago (not at all related to any of this), and considered seperating. It was a very painful time for both of us...I could see the pain she was enduring, and it made me turn my own perspective around. In a nutshell, we both agreed to reset to zero, focus on giving each other what we need from each other, and making our marriage work. To me, that says that we have a stronger marriage than either of us tend to think we do. (And just for the record, swinging or any other kinky stuff was definitely not a consideration....it was the farthest thing from either of our minds at the time.) We are doing extremely well in my opinion. I think that all the open honesty that even considering something like swinging requires has really helped us connect with each other unlike we ever have before (and that's true whether we ever do swing or not). Anyway, my point here is that if there were any alterior motives on my wife's part, she would have said "yes, let's seperate, at least for a while". She definitely did not....quite the opposite..."I really don't want to lose you or lose us" was the gist of it, and we've both kicked ourselves into the right mindset since. Now, they do talk a lot over chat and occasionally phone, but I don't see that as anything to be alarmed over. I do feel comfortable that her relationship with her cyber-bud is "safe" for us, and I trust her to manage it. I don't normally go and read her chat logs (I did once when something she quoted from him concerned me), but I know she'll openly let me read them (and she does chat with him at work as well, but I'm sure she'd let me read those logs too if I asked)...I ask first out of respect for her. She usually sends me a copy of any particularly hot cyber-sex encounters with him. |
As I indicated before, you, as a couple aren't the issue here. The problem is, if this guy creates drama, or starts stalking your wife, or brags about his exploits with your wife around town, all things that swingers do not do, but non-swingers do to often, extricating yourself from it can turn what could have been a great experience into a nightmare.
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Originally Posted by CallMeLoki Anyway, do you folks think we are really going about this wrong, and should stick to a more conventional approach of finding potential partners through swinger parties, swinger web-sites, etc.? Post your candid thoughts please! The last thing I'd want to do is damage our own relationship. |
I have to answer yes to this question.
We ourselves made the similar mistake of trying to gain our first experience in swinging with non-swinger friends we already knew. It was a total disaster.
We have also known many folks who tried what you have envisioned doing here, and while we have occasionally met someone who had it work out, the vast majority of them, more than 90%, wish they hadn't taken this approach and severally regret it. That does not include the group that we know exist but personally know very few of, that the experience was so bad it caused them to give up the idea of swinging all together.