Quote:
Originally Posted by good times  Listen to chicup, his post is excellent advice.
I can only ad one other thing. When looking for playmates, resist the urge of trying to hook up with people through non-traditional means (non-swingers), it almost never works out good. What I mean by that is, friends, acquaintances, random people on the internet, are not the way to go. To find playmates, go where the swingers are, like swingers clubs or swinger dating sights on the internet. The reason for this is, people who are swingers already know the rules. Personally, I wouldn't touch a single from a sex chat sight with a ten foot pole. The odds of him becoming a problem later are just too high. The standard non-swinger single that is willing to hook up with a married woman for sex often thinks that she needs him because she isn't satisfied with her husband. And if he likes her, he may decide that it is his mission in life to take her away from that. Whereas, an experienced swinger knows that it is just about recreational sex, and will not be nearly as likely to become drama that you will need to extricate yourself from later. |
Thanks for the post. I think I catch your drift here. My wife has made it clear to the young fellow in question that he's a chat friend, a cyber-sex partner, and in person would be a "sex toy with a heartbeat"...nothing more. She's also made it perfectly clear to him that she's happy with me, and intends to keep it that way. I totally trust her to manage their relationship in a way that is not detrimental to us. (Now, maybe I'm being naive here, but I don't think so. As I said before, neither my wife nor I have ever cheated on each other...we seem to know how to handle our own emotions, even in cases where we might be infatuated with another person.)
To me, it seems like it would be much more enjoyable to her (and to me) for her to have sex with someone that she truly likes and has pent-up desire for rather than someone she just met at a swinger party, etc. I know the same would be true for me...I'd much more enjoy doing someone I had known for a while and liked as a person rather than someone I had just met, given equally attractive. Again, maybe I'm being naive (someone candidly tell me so if you think that's the case), but I believe we would both be able to manage any emotions in the right way. Somebody smack me if this is a red flag, please!
I'm not at all concerned that my wife would even feel tempted to ditch me for this 22 year old recent college grad, even if he tried to work that angle. My wife and I worked through some serious issues a few months ago (not at all related to any of this), and considered seperating. It was a very painful time for both of us...I could see the pain she was enduring, and it made me turn my own perspective around. In a nutshell, we both agreed to reset to zero, focus on giving each other what we need from each other, and making our marriage work. To me, that says that we have a stronger marriage than either of us tend to think we do. (And just for the record, swinging or any other kinky stuff was definitely
not a consideration....it was the farthest thing from either of our minds at the time.) We are doing extremely well in my opinion. I think that all the open honesty that even considering something like swinging requires has really helped us connect with each other unlike we ever have before (and that's true whether we ever do swing or not). Anyway, my point here is that if there were any alterior motives on my wife's part, she would have said "yes, let's seperate, at least for a while". She definitely did not....quite the opposite..."I really don't want to lose you or lose us" was the gist of it, and we've both kicked ourselves into the right mindset since. Now, they do talk a lot over chat and occasionally phone, but I don't see that as anything to be alarmed over. I do feel comfortable that her relationship with her cyber-bud is "safe" for us, and I trust her to manage it. I don't normally go and read her chat logs (I did once when something she quoted from him concerned me), but I know she'll openly let me read them (and she does chat with him at work as well, but I'm sure she'd let me read those logs too if I asked)...I ask first out of respect for her. She usually sends me a copy of any particularly hot cyber-sex encounters with him.
I guess my thought is the old "set it free and if it comes back to you it's yours" mindset. I don't want someone to be with me because I've chained and shackled her to me...I want her to be with me because she wants to. If she ever stops wanting to be with me, then she's free to go. (Now, not that losing her wouldn't hurt...it certainly would. But, if she didn't WANT to be with me, I'm not going to force her to...that's not the kind of marriage I'd want to have.) If you chain someone to you, then you never know for sure if they want to be with you or they're only there because of the shackles, ya know? It's very reassuring to set someone free and watch them stick around because they want to.
So, I think we can definitely say my wife has a "crush" or infatuation with this young guy. And I'm OK with that, I don't feel like it threatens our marriage. Crushes and infatuations have a tendency to expire over time. I've certainly had a few infatuations with other people...we both have, we've just never acted on them. (I actually think everyone gets infatuated with other people from time to time, whether they are willing to admit it or not. We've reached a level of emotional maturity and trust in each other that we can freely admit these things. I think that's a good thing, isn't it?) I'm quite infatuated with a waitress at a local restaurant right now...we flirt quite a bit, and we just discovered that she tried her hand as an exotic dancer for 3 months not too long ago (which makes me like her even more). My wife knows I've got the hots for this girl, so she requests her section every time we go there. Who knows, she might be a good candidate for an FMF experience for me. We'll see, I guess.
My wife and I are even advising each other on how to best pursue and interact with these other people...we're treating each other like "best friends" as well as spouses and lovers. I believe that is a quite unusally cool thing for two spouses to do, IMO.
Now, I should note that I've encouraged her to enjoy some cyber-sex adventures with this fellow. I've certainly had some erotic fun at strip bars, and since my wife isn't interested in male strippers, some cyber-sex adventures certainly seemed like a good choice for her. I want our relationship to be fair to both of us, and this seems to me to be a pretty harmless way for her to have some erotic fun too. At first they merely chatted about intellectual stuff and flirted a bit, but it progressed from there. I do realize that folks sometimes develop emotional attachments from cyber-sex...I've asked my wife if she feels like this has progressed to an "emotional affair" and she says no, and I believe her. Even if he wasn't 3-4 hours away, I would still trust her to be up-front about what goes on. She's got a crush on the dude, and I'm perfectly OK with that...I want her to actually just enjoy it with my blessing, it's OK. I know she's really enjoying the pursuit and conquest aspects of it, and I hope the trust I'm showing her sets a precedent for us in terms of trust (which I believe it already has). For instance, the waitress I mentioned above is local...I want my wife to trust me to not do anything behind her back. (And actually, there's no reason for me to do anything deceitful...my wife has given me her blessing to get this waitress in the sack with us if we get an opportunity.) Distrust breeds distrust, and trust breeds trust...ya know?
Anyway, do you folks think we are really going about this wrong, and should stick to a more conventional approach of finding potential partners through swinger parties, swinger web-sites, etc.? Post your candid thoughts please! The last thing I'd want to do is damage our own relationship.
Loki