[quote=sexcupid;334317]At this point they have been dating more than a year...but perhaps not more than a year and a half. I'm not entirely sure of the timeline because he has (mercifully) stopped asking me for advice on every little thing. Don't get me wrong, I appreciated that he felt safe enough to ask for advice...and I wanted him to be successful at another relationship.
Yes, we are pretty happy together. And I will have to respectfully disagree with your 'what's the difference' observation. To me, there is a difference. I don't necessarily buy into the fairytale crap...but it's more a level of respect and a whole host of other complicated things that are tied to the instituation of marriage. I do take it seriously as well.
This is going to sound horrible...but I just got out of bed 15 min ago and I can't think of a better way to explain it, so I apologize in advance if it doesn't come out quite right.
If you spend 3, 5, or 10 years in a relationship with someone with whom you are matrimonially mismatched...as in it is something that the one partner desires to happen and something the other doesn't place a priority on (I don't mean to imply here that it's not something that isn't taken seriously, just that the other person doesn't place as high a priority on actually doing it and it is assuming that all is going well in the relationship)...then I think it can lead to problems. Regardless of how great the relationship is, after years of being with someone that either has marriage lower on the priority list for whatever reason (want to make sure they are 'sure', more of a been there done that attitude, or they've been burned in the past)...I think it can lead into resentment, I'm good enough to fold his shirts, and fuck...but not good enough to marry...or regret/lament over potential missed opportunities with someone they might be more matrimonially matched with. [\quote]
No hard feelings on this end, and i hope what i say comes out right.
The higher level of respect and responsibility may have applied 50 years ago, but now that marriage is as easy to get out of as a defacto relationship (at least in Australia, where defacto for 3 years you have the same legal rights to 1/2 the assets AND no prenup exists to protect one party or the other). it may also apply for those that dont' swing... a way of saying "i'm absolutely yours now", but considering the website we're on, that one doesn't apply either. personally i feel it's more respectful to wait a few years before marrying, instead of treating it like a "well that didn't work out, we'll divorce". but each to their own.
I hear you on the mismatch problem, but really, if someone is going to resent me for wanting to wait, to give the marriage the best shot at working, then maybe they haven't got the right attitude to life. if it's fair enough to say "i'm good enough to fold his shirts, but not to marry" then it's fair enough to say "i'm good enough to spend 3 hours of my day in a car driving you to and from work, but not good enough to wait to marry?"
i can only go on Mrs P's and my relationship, not knowing yours and Jeffs, but if someone thinks that they are being slighted because they won't be married by 2009, because a married relationship is "more" than a defacto one, i think that they definately are focussing on the wrong thing... a snippet from our lives to illustrate the point... i'm not trying to sound like a hero, just looking for where the gold band would have made a difference?:
I fail to see how the ring on the finger will make a significant difference when, in the last 2 years of dating i have done the following (which some wouldn't even do for a spouse):
Been a shoulder to cry on,
been a friend,
been there when her family broke apart.
gone into debt to put a roof over her head.
supported her financially when she couldn't work.
stayed up months on end looking after her due to her chronic illness.
been her representation with government departments when her mum's tax fraud incurred a huge debt on Mrs P.
gave up my things to pay for her medical treatment.
Saved her life when a Dr's wrongful prescription caused her to OD on her other meds.
Drove her to every shop, job interview, and function she ever needed to go.
flew her interstate for holidays when she needed to get away from her problems.
Cut off a close friend of mine when they did wrong by Mrs P.
Loved her and accepted her for who she is. through her battle with Chroans, depression, obesity.
Forgiven her her mistakes,
and still managed to squeeze in some good times.
to me, that sounds like the job of a husband, minus the gold band.