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Originally Posted by sexcupid  The point I'm trying to make is that if the relationships with your OSOs begins to be detrimental to your relationship of origin (RO), how would you try to handle that situation? I mean, emotions make us irrational at times...in opening up to poly, do you hope that your RO will be the one chosen if it comes down to crunch time? |
Crunch time came for us. Gator and I. To a small degree for Tech and Kitten. Gator and Kitten feel
hard for each other at the very beginning. Even if Gator didn't recognize it for what it was. So, hard that Gator broke rules that we had. And he had double standards for me. It was to the point that Gator had left me in every way but actually moving out. I fought. I could have at any point, I suppose, said I do not want this any more. However, I felt that if I could just penetrate that NRE (new relationship energy....all the newness and excitement) we would be ok. Things would settle down. It did come to the point that I had to ask Gator to take a step back. You should go at the pace of the slowest person in poly relationships as well. He was running and leaving me staring after him. Asking him to step back from Kitten caused some hard times. He resented me doing that. Until he figured out that was what he was doing. And until Tech and I actually started to have feelings for each other. Then he realized he didn't want to lose US. It took work. Between Gator and I, Tech and Gator, all the combinations. Kitten had to get used to not being the number one person in his life and that she had to share him with me. I won't tell you that any of this was easy. We feel it has been worth it. We were raised monogamous and occasionally those old habits rear there head but it's very seldom these days. Were there days I regretted ever trying to go down this path? Of course. But my biggest concern was whether Gator was happy or not. Now, I want all three of them happy. I know that the four of us have told each other now that, at the end of the day, if all isn't well, we'll stay with our RO. Like I said previously, I have a greater
bond with Gator because of all we've gone through together. But the bottom line is, that he could chose Kitten or even someone else. What really makes being poly a situation that is more likely to happen in? Just as with swinging, he knows what is available to him. Why would he go looking for different?
Now, since the four of us have the goal to move in together, that will change some things. Right now, Gator and I and Tech and Kitten each make daily decisions that would have to be shared then. We'd consult each other more. We are good about all four of us making joint decisions instead of one of the four couples making them alone. We really want for each other the same things so, once we passed the hurdles we've faced, the primary and secondary aren't as pronounced. It's still there but not so obvious because we each understand our place to each other. And I think it is different for each of us.
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In mine and Jeff's discussion, I kept coming to the conclusion that I would not be very comfortable with him having another girlfriend...but wouldn't have any problem with having another boyfriend. Yep, my hypocracy rears it's ugly little head again. But I guess that I know with certainty where Jeff stands in my heirarchy...but I can never be 100% sure where I am in his. Even though I like to think I'm pretty high up there...but who's to say if someone comes along that fits his 'ideal' better to say that I would still 'hold my rank'...yes, that's just some insecurity speaking. I have to wonder if others have those same sort of doubts. Does the insecurity come from opening yourself and the relationship up to an unknown quantity?
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I never was insecure regarding Gator until we became involved with Tech and Kitten. Probably the reason I wasn't ever really jealous. The two go hand in hand for me I've realized. Coming to the realization that there isn't really anything I can do once I've given it my best, was the best thing for me. When I realized that if Gator wanted out, he would just go. I know now that he didn't really want out at the beginning when it seemed he did. He knows now that he personally can not have two wives and treat each as a wife the way he wants to. He has to have a wife and a girlfriend. Kitten calls him her boyfriend. Tech can do the two wives thing and calls me such. I call him my other husband. You can't really compare to me. They are just different. I've not come across anything that I would do for Gator that I wouldn't do for Tech. Gator knows this but knows we have just that little something more between us and that makes it ok with him.
Vol