[rpu3]

The point I'm trying to make is that if the relationships with your OSOs begins to be detrimental to your relationship of origin (RO), how would you try to handle that situation?

If the relationship with my friend somehow began to have a negative impact on either my spouse or our marriage, then obviously there's going to be a lot of talking and reevaluation between my spouse and I. If it were that serious or the resolution is going to impact my friend, then my friend needs to know, as that was our agreement. He (and my spouse's friends) have the right to make their own choices, too.

I mean, emotions make us irrational at times...in opening up to poly, do you hope that your RO will be the one chosen if it comes down to crunch time?

Hard one to answer as I don't know what kind of crunch time is in play. Different scenarios would have a different response. Here's what I do know: ideally we can each be in outside relationships and our marriage would remain intact. I'd hope that we make the choices that make us the happiest - and I hope our relationship is something that makes my spouse happy. If it doesn't, then we've got some problems. If my spouse wanted to leave our marriage, what am I going to do about it? What if something so intrinsically necessary to our marriage changed that I had to leave the marriage? I can't force him to choose me... I'm not sure I want to force that kind of issue. What kind of marriage would it be if it was a forced decision? Anyway, kind of tough to answer this, but I hope you get my drift.

Here's what I do know: No matter who is causing the crunch time - me or my spouse - I really think for the friends' benefit, they need to be left out of it. If it came down to such an issue in my marriage - then I need to go resolve the issues no matter what the outcome is and that can only be done between me and my spouse. Out of respect to my friend, I'd have to back off of that relationship because I wouldn't want someone I consider a friend to feel they are a problem or in the middle or any other negative scenario. Again, if we are down to that, then it would be discussed with the friend for that very reason and because that's our agreement.

If involved in a triad with a single, once it evolves into a relationship you know you want to have/keep...maybe I'm getting more into polygany or polyandry here, but if the third of the triad doesn't have children or eventually wants to move on and have a primary relationship of their own (if they feel like...bad pun ahead...a third wheel) to have an actual marriage/family of their own...do you try to discuss that possibility or just hope it never happens?

Last night, one of my spouse's friends told him that they were going to have to be "just friends" because her other relationship was getting serious and he wanted monogamy. My spouse wished her well with the relationship and he's available to her as just a vanilla friend.

I don't think I could do any differently - all you can do is wish them well. I sure don't want to actively hope they never find someone that they may want to pair up with. Sounds like a recipe for some bad karma to me. Not to say that it would feel great to me nor was yesterday the greatest day on earth for my spouse. But what can you do?

In mine and Jeff's discussion, I kept coming to the conclusion that I would not be very comfortable with him having another girlfriend...but wouldn't have any problem with having another boyfriend. Yep, my hypocracy rears it's ugly little head again. But I guess that I know with certainty where Jeff stands in my heirarchy...but I can never be 100% sure where I am in his. Even though I like to think I'm pretty high up there...but who's to say if someone comes along that fits his 'ideal' better to say that I would still 'hold my rank'...yes, that's just some insecurity speaking. I have to wonder if others have those same sort of doubts. Does the insecurity come from opening yourself and the relationship up to an unknown quantity?

You are asking some tough questions!

Some of what I'm figuring out and working on is that I'm far more insecure than I thought - in the realm of "Why would anyone want to hang out with me? I don't think I have anything to offer. Hell, some days I'm not even sure why my spouse is with me! And I don't know how to do this and why isn't there a damn rule book! Blah, blah, blah..." kind of thoughts. So yes, insecurity has come into play - far more than jealousy. My fears have a lot to do with the unknown - I am a great control freak and great worrier/overthinker and not knowing what to do and what's going to happen can be hard on my head! Trying to be more confident and trusting in people, situations and the future is definitely a work in progress.

I spoke with my friend last night on a few different topics, and he said something that was rather simple, but for some reason it's never occurred to me or registered. Basically, the gist was that he would not be in our FWB situation unless he wanted to be. If it didn't fit or wasn't working - that would be that. In a complete "duh!" moment for me, a lot of worry I was having about the friendship was dissipated with that simple realization that this person is here in this situation and in this oddball scenario with me by choice and I don't need to worry about if the situation is okay/is working for him. Same with my spouse. Same with me. Aren't we all in our various situations because we choose to be? I told you it was a duh! kind of moment!

I think becoming a bit more secure to deal well with your partner's/OSO's other relationships requires realizing you can't control everything and requires believing, even if your fear is telling you otherwise, that someone is with you because they want to be with you. That, and perhaps a realization that you can't be replaced - you are the only you out there. The ranking part.... boy, I have nothing there. My mantra is "Not better. Different." Can you really rank different? Can you really be held in lesser esteem because you are different from another that fills different needs? How can you compare and rank people?