[gatorvol64]

Originally Posted by sexcupid

But since neither of us have really participated some of my questions really haven't been answered to my liking. I mean, you can only get so far in a hypothetical discussion, you know? lol

Don't I know this well. Gator had some problems with things (though he was in the first half of the couples to fall in love) until he stopped asking the what ifs. There is no way that you can predict and have a plan ready for everything. Some things just have to be handled as you come to them.

How did you actually broach the topic with your hubby/wife? What about presenting it to the other couple/person? Did you ever have someone walk away from the situation?

I suppose you could say that I broached the subject with Gator in a way. I basically had to get his head out of the sand. He denied being in love with Kitten for the longest time. Before I sat down with him to discuss his feelings seriously, I had to decide what I wanted him to do about them. Needless to say, I decided to see how things would evolve.

Eventually, Gator and Kitten were not willing to see anyone else. Tech agreed with this more than I did. So, we all talked a bit and agreed to be exclusive. I think these feelings were due to insecurities of a new relationship. The established couples had enough security in their spouse to swing but that took some years. Years the new relationship hasn't had.

How do you hash out the details? Things like: is everyone on an even playing field or do you keep a primary relationship to which any secondary/tertiary ones take a lower priority to (and I really hate using that phrase to explain what I am thinking...but hopefully any readers understand what I mean)? If you aren't living together (or even if you are), is time management an issue? Do you try to keep your time with the OSO 'even' as with your SO?

Even playing field or a primary relationship. A couple of us are more comfortable with the even, everyone equal aspect than the other two are. I think I have to say it is a mixture in a way.

Here's the deal for me. My love for Tech is just about there with mine for Gator. So, close that it's hard to tell the difference. However, I have 26 years with Gator and one and a half with Tech (just like he has 13 with Kitten), and there are things I can never experience with Tech that I've done with Gator over the years. I have to say that I have a stronger bond with Gator because of this. Because, in essence, he and I grew up together.

Time management is a big issue for us. We do not live together (2 hours apart) but, as the circumstances are now, it would still be a big issue even if we did. Gator works shift work and he and I had to juggle spending time alone as it was. As Mr. Western Swing mentioned, life gets in the way of some time for he and Mrs. WS. Same here. Kitten gets Gator's off work time. His best time. I do want some of that time myself. But, until he gets a day job like the rest of us, its something we have to live with.

What about jealousy? And in a slightly related context, how would you deal with something that your sweetie doesn't do for you, but does for the OSO? Not necessarily something sexual...but for example: you like getting flowers...but hubby states he's just 'not the flower buying type'...yet he starts to routinely buy the OSO flowers. Ok, that might not be a great example, but the best I could come up with while typing on the fly...but again, hopefully you get the gist of what I'm trying to say.

I've never been a jealous person. Until my husband fell in love with another woman that is. But, as rpu3 stated, I've learned that jealousy is the result of another problem or feeling. Insecurities are usually what is behind mine.

Gator does do things for Kitten that he doesn't do for me...or rarely does any more. Partly because of the new relationship energy. And partly because her personality brings that out in him. I'm more independent than Kitten is and she brings Gator's need to take care of someone out. All good until he forgets that, just because I don't need some of those things as frequently as Kitten does , it doesn't mean I don't need them at all. So, we have to have a talk. Majority of the time we can get it ironed out and things changed the first time around. Others it takes pointing out examples for the other to see that we weren't aware of doing. Gator had a problem with the way I argue with Tech. Says it is different. It is. He just had to understand it was due to the personality differences. Things like that.

For my part...I've always felt there was value in having more than one boyfriend...not always for the variety, but as mentioned on other threads...if each of them shared an interest with you (say going to DCI competitions...yep yep...i'm a band geek lol, a particuarly genre of music, etc) that the others didn't...that would be awesome. lol But, how do you decide on your level of comfort with another? ie the primary-secondary relationship or (and again I really hate the phrasing) having everyone on the same importance level. What if one partner wants one scenario and the other wants the latter?

Yes, that is one of the best things about our poly relationship. There are things that I like and Gator doesn't but Tech does. Things Tech, Kitten and Gator like that I don't. All combinations.

Vol