[rpu3]

So I'll throw out some questions and if any of you can/will answer, it would be appreciated...I just really would like to have a better understanding is all.

My caveat is I'm not firmly in the swing-world nor would I call myself poly, but instead I reside in this "neither fish nor fowl" state. But I will post to topics that I think are applicable to me in either the poly forum or the general swinging forums.

How did you actually broach the topic with your hubby/wife?

I didn't or at least I don't recall broaching the subject. The situation I am currently in just kind of evolved and may or may not be still evolving. I've talked (and continue to talk) to The Spousal Unit about it, but it wasn't a "broach the topic to my spouse" situation. If anything, he broached the topic with me about what I thought I wanted or didn't want after trying swinging for awhile.

My spouse decided relatively recently that he'd like to actively pursue his end of our open marriage, and it was as simple as that - one night he said he'd been thinking, and this is the form of relationship he'd be interested in and pursuing and would I be okay with that and did I have any questions, comments or concerns?

What about presenting it to the other couple/person? Did you ever have someone walk away from the situation?

The thing with my friend wasn't exactly presented, it has just evolved into whatever it is. I do talk to my friend and/or my spouse as I have questions or concerns. Nobody has walked away at this point but I am aware there are no guarantees about anything.

I am not actively seeking other relationships at this moment. If there's anything I've learned in the last year is that I don't have the resources to enter more relationships until I learn to put myself first and not everything and everyone else, alternative or vanilla, and figure out what I want or don't want out of being "alternative". I need to figure out what I have to offer, too. Anyway...

However, I do have a profile despite not being active so that whomever my spouse is talking to can look or contact me directly to verify we are doing this with the other's consent. But most of the men who write me don't seem to quite comprehend it. I think it would be more acceptable if I were cheating. There are a couple men who identify themselves as poly who write, but I think they have even more issues than I do, if that was even possible. So if I were actively looking, I think it would be a 50/50 ratio of either myself or the other party walking away, shaking their head.

My spouse, however, is actively seeking other relationships. He's a different creature than I am, though. Surprisingly, he does find that more women than he thought possible are interested in at least talking to him, and certainly enough people have been interested in meeting him in person, which he didn't expect. Sure, many say "no thanks" but more women are willing to at least talk for a bit with him, it seems.

How do you hash out the details? Things like: is everyone on an even playing field or do you keep a primary relationship to which any secondary/tertiary ones take a lower priority to (and I really hate using that phrase to explain what I am thinking...but hopefully any readers understand what I mean)?

We've not required an even playing field. My spouse is definitely not interested in scorekeeping or an even playing field - it is what it is and he doesn't want or need a quid pro quo arrangement. Fairness is a worthwhile goal in any relationship, but sometimes things don't work exactly the way we want it to. I'm getting better at being okay that it won't always be equal. We just communicate a lot to make sure the two of us are on the same page. I always talk with my spouse before setting firm dates to see my friend, and my spouse is pretty good about letting me know if he has plans in advance. We do make sure there is fun time for us, and not just the day to day. I personally try to make sure my obligations are taken care of before I visit my friend So far, I feel we balance things out nicely.

But, how do you decide on your level of comfort with another? ie the primary-secondary relationship or (and again I really hate the phrasing) having everyone on the same importance level. What if one partner wants one scenario and the other wants the latter?

I've never liked the primary/secondary labeling, but I know why you are using it in order to ask your question as it does have a use in communicating precedence or logistics, or something like that.

The fact is that each relationship is different; I interact somewhat differently with everyone (vanilla or otherwise), because each individual in that relationship is unique. Yes, there are differences in the relationships but those differences are based on the personalities of the individuals, the experiences shared and history, how long we have been together, etc.

I have good, solid and rewarding relationship with my spouse that has evolved from our years together, in addition to our legal bond of marriage, an emotional bond, and practical considerations like our home and some of our finances, etc. Thus, my spouse does have significant influence in my life and relationship, and I do spend more time with him since we are married and live together. I thoroughly enjoy my friend as well but it's different; it's a shorter in length, has a different context and is based on a far different set of circumstances and he has a far different personality than my spouse. But it's not like I don't talk to him or seek his opinion on things or just have fun, etc. And I value that difference greatly. Same with my friends. Each relationship is important to me, but in different ways and those differences may account for the way things have to be prioritized. Ultimately, I just try to treat each relationship with the same respect and consideration, marriage, alternative or vanilla. It's an approach or viewpoint my spouse has no issue with.

If you aren't living together (or even if you are), is time management an issue? Do you try to keep your time with the OSO 'even' as with your SO?

Time management is a concern for all - poly, swinger, vanilla - I suspect. In the real world of work and family and friends and conflicting schedules and finite resources, time is indeed limited. Right now, I don't think it's a keeping it even production for my spouse and I. I think it works out in the end. I'm pretty motivated to make every minute count to try to be able to spend time with everyone I want to spend time with. It's hard, though, sometimes.

What about jealousy?

It exists on occasion. Jealousy is an unusual emotion, in that it's a feeling that's often built out of other feelings, such as fear or anger or insecurity and it's just best for me to try to find the trigger and figure out why it's coming up. More often than not, it's because I feel insecure, out of the loop, threatened, or vulnerable about something. Addressing the insecurity or the things underlying the feelings of vulnerability generally takes care of what few jealousy issues I've had. While I'm good at talking with my spouse, talking to my freind sometimes if I am feeling off about something is very hard, and I just try to pretend nothing's wrong. One thing I've learned lately is that problems are magnified even more if I try not to let my fears and my feelings show. This is not good for a constant worrier like I am. I've found that I do a lot better if I talk about my concerns honestly and as soon as possible, even if I think it's completely irrational. Most of the time, if I just talk about what I'm thinking or feeling, it loses its power and I return to my usual mode of logical operation. Insecurity, etc. can be overcome, though usually not without confronting it directly.

To be honest, I have been surprised that it's been a rather minor issue, all things considered. But I think it's because I work hard at communicating. Honestly. About everything. I try not to let problems sit. I try to ask for what I need. I try to be flexible and try not to have unrealistic expectations. I try not to assume. I try to be responsible. I try set my limits, express my needs, and to find the things that make me happy. I'm trying to be less fearful of change and the unknown. So far, so good. I'm dealing nicely and learning a lot in the process.

And in a slightly related context, how would you deal with something that your sweetie doesn't do for you, but does for the OSO? Not necessarily something sexual...but for example: you like getting flowers...but hubby states he's just 'not the flower buying type'...yet he starts to routinely buy the OSO flowers. Ok, that might not be a great example, but the best I could come up with while typing on the fly...but again, hopefully you get the gist of what I'm trying to say.

Personally, in that type of scenario you described, I would not be happy, and I would say something. If it were something like he brought the OSO coffee in bed and I never get coffee in bed unless I pay room service for it, I'd like to kick his ass, actually. Once I got past that initial response, I'd like to think that we'd talk about it, and figure out a way to incorporate whatever he's doing for an OSO into our relationship.

However, in other instances, those differences may be acceptable. My spouse likes blow jobs. I like giving blow jobs. However, I do have some big issues with TMJ and my spouse's size, while not all that above average, is definitely not comfortable to do a credible blowjob on him, as much as I try and as much as I've tried to figure out ways to accomodate it. I can do a credible job with my friend and my spouse is certainly free to enjoy whatever oral sex he may receive with his friends. In this case, the differences are acceptable.

In both cases, I think honest communication is what comes into play to make sure there are no misunderstandings or feeling like one is being left out or treated differently (and not a good different) or to handle such issues as they may pop up.

For my part...I've always felt there was value in having more than one boyfriend...not always for the variety, but as mentioned on other threads...if each of them shared an interest with you (say going to DCI competitions...yep yep...i'm a band geek lol, a particuarly genre of music, etc) that the others didn't...that would be awesome.

It is rather awesome being able to do things with someone that my spouse has little interest in interest in, to be perfectly honest. And it comes with a side of hot sex and a good friendship, etc.? What's not to like with that arrangement?

There would be no point to hanging out with a clone of my spouse and that would drive me absolutely nuts. I don't think my spouse could tolerate hanging out with another one of me, either! I appreciate the variety that my friend provides in any number of domains and I know my spouse enjoys the same with his friends.