[WesternSwing]

Originally Posted by sexcupid

I normally post with some frequency on other parts of the SB, but very seldom have any thing (I think) of value to this section, although I do read it and think that the advice that those who participate in a poly-ship is very good.

Now, I've read some books on poly...and Jeff and I have even had some hypothetical discussions about what I've read (or threads that have caught my attention).

But since neither of us have really participated some of my questions really haven't been answered to my liking. I mean, you can only get so far in a hypothetical discussion, you know? lol

So I'll throw out some questions and if any of you can/will answer, it would be appreciated...I just really would like to have a better understanding is all.

How did you actually broach the topic with your hubby/wife?

For us we kind of just stumbled into a poly situation with a single male we met. So it was more of a "okay, this isn't so bad" thing more than an up front discussion. However, it wasn't until the break-up between Mrs. WS and him that I finally got her to admit that she loved this other man to. And the break-up was bad. She cried for days.

What about presenting it to the other couple/person? Did you ever have someone walk away from the situation?

Most of the time they walk away, though we don't present it to them, we let things just kind of develop and throw the term out there from time to time in casual conversation. Mostly we are looking for another man for the triad though, and this has presented a problem in that most single men that we meet don't want a relationship, and if they do the whole idea of a relationship with a married woman freaks them out.

How do you hash out the details? Things like: is everyone on an even playing field or do you keep a primary relationship to which any secondary/tertiary ones take a lower priority to (and I really hate using that phrase to explain what I am thinking...but hopefully any readers understand what I mean)?

For us our primary relationship takes priority, however if the right person came along I'd be okay with splitting Mrs. WS's time 50/50 with him.

If you aren't living together (or even if you are), is time management an issue? Do you try to keep your time with the OSO 'even' as with your SO?

Time management is an issue because everyone has jobs and in our case we have three kids, so most of Mrs. WS's time with her boyfriend is one evening a week when she "goes out with friends", or we'll tell the kids that she is going on a "girls retreat" and in reality she is spending the night or weekend with her boyfriend.

What about jealousy? And in a slightly related context, how would you deal with something that your sweetie doesn't do for you, but does for the OSO? Not necessarily something sexual...but for example: you like getting flowers...but hubby states he's just 'not the flower buying type'...yet he starts to routinely buy the OSO flowers. Ok, that might not be a great example, but the best I could come up with while typing on the fly...but again, hopefully you get the gist of what I'm trying to say.

Jealousy is not a real issue for me, but Mrs. WS tends to get a bit jealous if I have a steady girlfriend. But again, I'm not looking for one so that isn't a big issue overall. Sometimes I do get resentful though when I feel that she is having more sex with him than she is with me. It's simply because it's easier, though. When she's with her boyfriend it's just them at his house. There are not all the family and kid things to deal with and I just have to remind myself of that, that it's not me, it's just how things are at home.

There isn't a whole lot my wife doesn't do for me that she does for others, but I'd say the one thing is they get more sexy text messages and emails than I do, but I chalk that up to the newness of their relationship compared to the comfort and stability of ours.

I'm sure that there are plenty of other things I could ask...but really those are the biggies that keep coming up in my mind.

For my part...I've always felt there was value in having more than one boyfriend...not always for the variety, but as mentioned on other threads...if each of them shared an interest with you (say going to DCI competitions...yep yep...i'm a band geek lol, a particuarly genre of music, etc) that the others didn't...that would be awesome. lol But, how do you decide on your level of comfort with another? ie the primary-secondary relationship or (and again I really hate the phrasing) having everyone on the same importance level. What if one partner wants one scenario and the other wants the latter?

Part of the value of a poly situation for us is that the other men are different from me, and therefore fulfill other interests for Mrs. WS that I don't. For instance, our first poly relationship was with a man who was formerly in the Marines. Mrs. WS was in the Army during the same years of the first Gulf War. So they had allot in common in their backgrounds, and being military a kind of brotherhood (sisterhood?) that I don't have with her and I never can have. Others have been more artsy than I, therefore they fulfill that part of Mrs. WS because she is very artsy oriented and loves painting and photography.

As far as deciding on a comfort level? We've never really had to define that yet since the relationships tend to fall into their own groove, as it may be. It's nothing we've put too much thought into. And we've not had a situation where the other partner wanted something different than we did, though I'm sure someday that situation could arise. I know it does often with FMF poly triads, but in our experience in the MFM triads the secondary male doesn't seem to want much more than Mrs. WS and I are willing to give, they still seem to like their freedom to date if it becomes available, and knowing that many would like to have a wife and family someday we simply try to enjoy them and what they offer for now without looking down the road too far in the future.

Mr. WS