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sereneiders · 06-17-2008, 12:40 AM

Javelin,

I believe you're addresing two very different issues here. One about "making friends", and another about "making a polyamory relationship".

We have friends and we experienced a polyamory relationship with a gal for over a year. So here's my two cents.

About friends... well, I already had friends and my wife already had her owns before meeting togheter, we keept them and we've made a few more friends togheter since then, but... we're not looking for new friendships. Perhaps here I should point out a cultural difference: where we live, people is less nomad than in the US, so 1) you can have and keep friends for a lifetime, and 2) here it doesn't exist that of "becoming friend" of your next door neighbohr.

In any case, from time to time we bump against new people and we find out there's enough to enjoy spending time togheter, and some day we're calling them "our friends", both in the vanilla world and in swingerland.

As we're not looking for new friends, we'd run away from anyone wanting to "become our friends" right from the scratch: they'd be valuating the abstract concept of friendship more than ourselves, we'd be just the chips they need over the "frienship game" board, as anyone else wanting to fit the mold would, without being chosen for what we are. Moreover, such an abstract concept would be just an idealization, the way they expect a frienship to be, and we'd be having to be up to meet their expectatives (disregarding ours) instead of letting it evolve or activelly constructing a relationship.

This is much like the lonely women deperated to marry someone, anyone, just to fulfill a role culturally expected from her. Men run away from those women, they'd be chosen just to be the decorative doll in her wedding cake. As those women hardly would have a succesfull marriage finding someone out of a crave, you hardly will have a succesfull friendship out of your need of having friends.

It's just that ANY relationship is a construction and everyone involved should be commited to build it, and everyone involved should be able to sketch over the blueprint and choose when and how to put their own resources at work.

It is true, it is difficult to make new friends, and this is what makes a frienship valuable. If it were something really easy to achieve, then the resulting friendships wouldn't worth a dime. And you cannot force anyone, nor talk anyone into the "adventages of being friends".

And, if it is this hard to make new vanilla friends, go figure when you're not only looking for people willing to fir the mold of your abstraction for a "frienship", but also to fit the mold of your abstraction for a poly relationship, moreover within a culture that doesn't teach people in poliamory (so most of us don't ever have a clue of what to expect or how to deal with the polyamory issues), and expect us all to be monogamous.

The reality have the ugly habit of avoiding to stick to our plans and fantasies. And I feel your're trying to argue this fact. If so, you have a really hard work ahead of you, and even worst, you're already deemed to fail.

06-17-2008, 12:40 AM	#17 (permalink)
sereneiders Some sort of user Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 1,121 Location: Argentina Status: Couple	Re: Poly vs swinging Javelin, I believe you're addresing two very different issues here. One about "making friends", and another about "making a polyamory relationship". We have friends and we experienced a polyamory relationship with a gal for over a year. So here's my two cents. About friends... well, I already had friends and my wife already had her owns before meeting togheter, we keept them and we've made a few more friends togheter since then, but... we're not looking for new friendships. Perhaps here I should point out a cultural difference: where we live, people is less nomad than in the US, so 1) you can have and keep friends for a lifetime, and 2) here it doesn't exist that of "becoming friend" of your next door neighbohr. In any case, from time to time we bump against new people and we find out there's enough to enjoy spending time togheter, and some day we're calling them "our friends", both in the vanilla world and in swingerland. As we're not looking for new friends, we'd run away from anyone wanting to "become our friends" right from the scratch: they'd be valuating the abstract concept of friendship more than ourselves, we'd be just the chips they need over the "frienship game" board, as anyone else wanting to fit the mold would, without being chosen for what we are. Moreover, such an abstract concept would be just an idealization, the way they expect a frienship to be, and we'd be having to be up to meet their expectatives (disregarding ours) instead of letting it evolve or activelly constructing a relationship. This is much like the lonely women deperated to marry someone, anyone, just to fulfill a role culturally expected from her. Men run away from those women, they'd be chosen just to be the decorative doll in her wedding cake. As those women hardly would have a succesfull marriage finding someone out of a crave, you hardly will have a succesfull friendship out of your need of having friends. It's just that ANY relationship is a construction and everyone involved should be commited to build it, and everyone involved should be able to sketch over the blueprint and choose when and how to put their own resources at work. It is true, it is difficult to make new friends, and this is what makes a frienship valuable. If it were something really easy to achieve, then the resulting friendships wouldn't worth a dime. And you cannot force anyone, nor talk anyone into the "adventages of being friends". And, if it is this hard to make new vanilla friends, go figure when you're not only looking for people willing to fir the mold of your abstraction for a "frienship", but also to fit the mold of your abstraction for a poly relationship, moreover within a culture that doesn't teach people in poliamory (so most of us don't ever have a clue of what to expect or how to deal with the polyamory issues), and expect us all to be monogamous. The reality have the ugly habit of avoiding to stick to our plans and fantasies. And I feel your're trying to argue this fact. If so, you have a really hard work ahead of you, and even worst, you're already deemed to fail.