[rpu3]

Originally Posted by javelin

I don't recall any mention of poly when I first looked at these forums.

The poly forum is relatively new.

I stumbled on Polyamory and discovered that that is what I was looking for, not swinging. We did Hedo, Desire, and a couple swingers clubs, but the casual nature of it let us empty. We wanted to make some real friends who we could also have some sexy fun with. People who would be more than just a passing character in our lifes.

So, are you looking for friends or love or both?

I'm not trying to be argumentative here, but are you actually looking for polyamory - love?

I found most people just don't give a fuck to make friends. In the real world they are too busy to bother with emails or getting to know someone.

Some swingers do not want friendship - they are looking for casual sex. Some swingers don't mind making casual or close friends. Some might very well move into polyamory with their swinging. Some were always polyamorous, but not swingers. Some may have thought they'd only stick with straight casual swinging, but found value in expanding their horizons a bit.

Some people, swingers or vanilla, don't like e-mail. Maybe there's an imbalance as to how much one e-mails. I love e-mail, and like using it as an update tool to save time when it's time for a phone call or face-to-face meeting, but I'd be crazy to expect everyone to answer everything I send. I hate the phone, but with people I like, I can burn up an hour in nothing flat - and if I did that all the time, other things will suffer. Priorities... I do the best I can and would hope others would understand that and I try to offer the same courtesy in return.

We've basically given up on even trying. The reward was not worth the effort.

Isn't it more of a matter that one will have to work to find what they are looking for out of their alternative sex life? I've never found anything on this earth tremendously easy. Most of what I want or expect is a matter of working for it, or having to be patient. Giving up has rarely worked.

We made what we thought was a great connection, 4 people who really seemed to get along. The sexy chemistry was there as was the friendship. It was really nice. Then they got married, pregnant and moved to another state. Now they are too busy to keep up the relationship.

I can imagine they are too busy to keep up with the relationship the way it used to be. Their life isn't the way it used to be. Priorities shift. You can adjust and be happy for them and be happy with what they can provide as friends, or you can move on.

So why is everyone too busy these days?

I think all of us have to make a living, maintain a household, maintain our family and friend relations. The biggest issue in life to me is time - there isn't enough time to do everything I want to do and with everyone I want to do it with. People have to prioritize. Some relationships may not end up at the top of the list when you have to work and take care of your primary relationship and your family.

Why does no one value new friendships?

Perhaps some do not value new friendships.

More likely, people do not have the same value system you are operating from.

I guess everyones life is just so fullfilled and complete that there is no room for more. Oh well.

Again - time and priority and desire to add more and a decision as to what depth that relationship will be. I'd love to have unlimited time and be able to make unlimited friendships or connections with people. But I don't. My spouse doesn't. We, and our friends vanilla or otherwise, have jobs, families, obligations, other relationships that need care and feeding.

I only take on what I can handle at any given time. In my current friendships, vanilla or otherwise, I may not see people as much as I may like to or they may like to, but we all do the best we can given our other obligations and I end up really appreciating the time we do manage to spend together. They are valued, despite the time available and number of e-mails exchanged. If someone can't relate or is upset as to how one prioritizes their time, then maybe it isn't the friendship for them.

The right connection might be out there for you that will give you all that you seek. But it does take effort and a better attitude and appreciation for what one CAN offer in a relationship. Relationships of any type just don't fall into one's lap and it isn't a passive process.