rdy46227

Thanks again, kind people. You're asking good questions which have generated lots of thinking.

Was it Regan who said "Trust, but verify"?

First, I agree that there is some possibility that BF is hiding from his wife, i.e. making this a cheating situation.

Second, there's an almost but not quite insignificant possibility that SO is "selectively editing" what she tells us to avoid any possible discord between any or all of us.

While we all trust each other (and have to trust for things to work), I shall make my path cross that of BF's wife's and see what message she has been receiving from BF.

SO and BF had the discussion about SDT, testing, condoms, fidelity, etc. at the beginning, and we agreed to a closed set. BF spoke for his wife, quoting her as saying that she has no interest in sex with anyone, him included. We implicitly include BF's wife in the set, expecting that if she has sexual contact with anyone it will only be BF. Exit strategy was also discussed, so if BF does want to (honorably) roam then we can break off beforehand.

Again, this all comes down to how well you know a person (and if they haven't changed) and are willing to trust.

SO had an afternoon date with BF today and made inquires. According to BF, he's had no contact sexual contact with his wife for 6 months, which is probably when he decided to try and take up with SO.

BF says the biggest payoff is the intimacy of emotional and physical contact or affection (which doesn't mean sex), and that he's happy, appreciative and content with relationship so far.

(SO also introduced the word "compersion" and promised to send him some articles from the net. Remember, please, this is all new to him. Their goal thus far has been the relationship, not formal polyamory education.)

My gut feel is that while having this great need met at the present doesn't mean BF won't roam (and yes, there's the history), the agreement seems solid for the moderate future.

Time will tell; we can learn something from everything.