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Originally Posted by rdy46227 
This way is new for him; there is no compersion of the part of his spouse, and I suppose he may fall back into his old mindset from time to time.
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Thank you for replying.
I should have been specific when asking about your poly rules, because here's what I want to know:
Has an agreement been made that neither your wife nor the BF will have sex with other people?
I'm guessing so since you don't swing and all of your relationships have been based on emotional intimacy over an extended period of time. I think the BF would have a difficult time holding to this rule.
I had to look up the word "compersion."
Compersion is a term used by practitioners of polyamory or swingers to describe the experience of taking pleasure when one's partner is with another person.
So, if I understand you, the BF's wife takes no pleasure in her husband's relationship with your wife.
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SO's rules for their relationship require that BF's wife be aware they are together and that BF will put his home situation first, e.g. break off if his spouse requests him...I believe part of his agreement with his wife is that he will be home well before dawn...
BF's been dealing with his home situation all the time we've known him, trying to position himself to leave, then deciding not yet...
BF's prior method of getting what he needs outside his marriage was by the traditional (secret) affairs, and SO's instance of full disclosure makes this is the first relationship where BF was upfront with his spouse.
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Did you mean "insistance" of full disclosure? You can insist, but you don't know what the BF is telling his wife.
Stacking up all you've said, I think your poly rules are only providing you with false justification for the 'V'; it's a way to make you feel better about this whole "affair." It really boils down to the three of you cheating on the BF's wife.
If I was the BF, here's what would be going through my head:
I have made cheating a pattern in my marriage. I'm not as happy and fulfilled as I would like to be, neither is my wife. We are just FWB who share the same house (raise our kids?) and have agreed to tolerate a sad situation. I have found a woman who I care about and love to fuck and wonder if she wasn't married if I would leave my wife and marry her...
but she already has a husband she loves and because the guy is okay with me having sex with her, how can I hate him? He's a nice guy. But what do I want for myself? If I ever get divorced I'd like to find a woman I can love completely, enjoy sex with and have her love me in the same way. I don't think I could ever share her with anyone else and I would hope I'd never feel the need to ever have affairs again.
What the hell am I doing having an affair with a woman I will never have to myself? And it's not just with her, in a strange way it's with her husband too - I just don't get this poly stuff. This is bugging me like crazy and something's got to change.
LM