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rdy46227 · 12-11-2007, 10:55 AM

FWIW...

The phrase "Open Marriage" comes from the book of the same name by Nena O'Neill and George O'Neill (married) in Aug 1971.

Nowhere in their definition of "open marriage" was sex or sexuality referenced. The next to the last chapter in the book (16, Love and Sex Without Jealousy) is the only place any discussion even suggesting that sex outside of marriage is not necessarily bad.

Of course, popular usage defines the term, and "open marriage" now means "screwing around with (implied) spousal permission".

Many books against screwing around outside of marriage have been written using "open marriage" in the title -- Survivors of an Open Marriage is a prominent one generated by wife of a conservative christian minister who says she never connected with hubby because she let him screw around (as did she). In fact, they should never have married and (when the book was written) she'd lost him to the church instead of other women.

It's very sad to me that the original message is almost completely lost. A lot of poly people as well as non-poly swingers seem to have discovered how the message applies to their life.

In fact, most marriages I've observed which are "with it" seem to understand these ideas implicitly.

----------------------

To quote a couple of lists from chapter 4, Open vs Closed Marriage:

"The Open Contract Offers ... undependent living, personal growth, individual freedom, flexible roles, mutual trust, expansion through openness"

And from chapter 5, Living for Today:

"Realistic expectations of open marriage

- that you will share most but not everything

- that each partner will change -- and that change can occur through conflict as well as through a gradual envolvement

- that each will accept responsibility for himself and grant it to his mate

- that you can not expect your mate to fulfill all your needs, or to do for you what you should be doing for yourself

- that each partner will be different in needs, capacities, values and expectations because he is a different _person_, not just because one is the husband and the other a wife

- that the mutual goal is the relationship, not status or the house by the sea or children

- that children are not needed as proof of your love for each other

- that should you _choose_ to have children, that you will undertake the role of parents knowingly and willingly as the greatest responsibility in life

- that liking and loving will grow because of the mutual respect that your open relationship engenders"

"the ideas of open marriage are: intimacy, intensity, creativity, spontaneity, growth, respect, responsibility, learning, stimulation, flexibility, enrichment, freedom, and the liking and love that grow out of all of these."

"We think that the open relationship, out of which the above ideals will grow, can be achieved through the application to your individual case of the guidelines we have assembled here:

- through realistic appraisal of your situation and living in the now

- through giving of privacy and freedom to one another

- through open and honest communication

- through the shedding of inflexible roles

- through open companionship

- through identity, equality and trust"

12-11-2007, 10:55 AM	#4 (permalink)
rdy46227 Here to Stay Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 72 Location: Indianapolis Status: Male/Couple	Open marriage, definition of FWIW... The phrase "Open Marriage" comes from the book of the same name by Nena O'Neill and George O'Neill (married) in Aug 1971. Nowhere in their definition of "open marriage" was sex or sexuality referenced. The next to the last chapter in the book (16, Love and Sex Without Jealousy) is the only place any discussion even suggesting that sex outside of marriage is not necessarily bad. Of course, popular usage defines the term, and "open marriage" now means "screwing around with (implied) spousal permission". Many books against screwing around outside of marriage have been written using "open marriage" in the title -- Survivors of an Open Marriage is a prominent one generated by wife of a conservative christian minister who says she never connected with hubby because she let him screw around (as did she). In fact, they should never have married and (when the book was written) she'd lost him to the church instead of other women. It's very sad to me that the original message is almost completely lost. A lot of poly people as well as non-poly swingers seem to have discovered how the message applies to their life. In fact, most marriages I've observed which are "with it" seem to understand these ideas implicitly. ---------------------- To quote a couple of lists from chapter 4, Open vs Closed Marriage: "The Open Contract Offers ... undependent living, personal growth, individual freedom, flexible roles, mutual trust, expansion through openness" And from chapter 5, Living for Today: "Realistic expectations of open marriage - that you will share most but not everything - that each partner will change -- and that change can occur through conflict as well as through a gradual envolvement - that each will accept responsibility for himself and grant it to his mate - that you can not expect your mate to fulfill all your needs, or to do for you what you should be doing for yourself - that each partner will be different in needs, capacities, values and expectations because he is a different _person_, not just because one is the husband and the other a wife - that the mutual goal is the relationship, not status or the house by the sea or children - that children are not needed as proof of your love for each other - that should you _choose_ to have children, that you will undertake the role of parents knowingly and willingly as the greatest responsibility in life - that liking and loving will grow because of the mutual respect that your open relationship engenders" "the ideas of open marriage are: intimacy, intensity, creativity, spontaneity, growth, respect, responsibility, learning, stimulation, flexibility, enrichment, freedom, and the liking and love that grow out of all of these." "We think that the open relationship, out of which the above ideals will grow, can be achieved through the application to your individual case of the guidelines we have assembled here: - through realistic appraisal of your situation and living in the now - through giving of privacy and freedom to one another - through open and honest communication - through the shedding of inflexible roles - through open companionship - through identity, equality and trust"