Quote:
|
Originally Posted by ericandkara where i want to help her is when she hasnt been drinking she holds back and doesnt let her self enjoy the sex.
if i sent her a dirty text during the day asked her "what are you wearing" and try to have fore play long before i even get home she will not have anything to do with it and will get offended to some degree. |
Hi Eric, welcome to the board.
How was she raised? Religious home? Uptight mom & dad as far as affection and sex? That's very often the culprit. For some women, it's some kind of past abuse issue that keeps them from enjoying sex without being in an altered state.
I think it's bordering on dangerous for her to only be able to be free of that baggage when she's drinking. Dangerous, because it's only through altering herself with chemicals that she can be free and enjoy herself. I agree with you that the goal should be for her to be able to be open with you when she's 100% sober. She shouldn't need alcohol or anything else to accomplish that. She should be able to talk to you about sex, anticipate sex, and enjoy sex.
It could take years for her to get to a place where she can let go of the baggage that's holding her back. Don't stop trying to open up the communication with her. Have you ever asked her
why she clams up or shuts down when you're just talking about "normal" sexual/couple things with her, like verbal foreplay during the day? Try to figure out what's going on. Does she think that "good girls don't like sex"? Is she afraid of it (past trauma)? It seems very unusual to me that a woman like this can start exploring the Lifestyle, when she can't even get comfortable flirting and "acting like she wants it" with her own husband.
Do you think maybe she's trying to cure herself by getting drunk and diving headfirst into swinging? If so, those aren't the cures. She has to learn how to communicate.
Try sitting down and having a real talk with her about this. Tell her how beautiful and sexy she is to you, and how much it will mean to you for her to be able to talk sexy with you, flirt with you, to
want you and let you know just how much. Keep telling her how normal and natural it is for couples to talk and be this way with each other. Don't stop trying. I think it would be a great idea for her to go to counseling to learn how to deal with her sexual issues and get off her chest whatever's holding her back. This could work into couples counseling. I think this could have a big impact on her. It would be a professional giving her "permission" to be sexy with you, for you, and most importantly
for herself.
Again, I'd really focus on what she needs to get past this issue and put the Lifestyle on the back burner for now. If she has to get drinks in her to loosen up to be able to participate with swinging, that's considered "drama" that a lot of couples don't want to deal with. It could get complicated and cause more trouble than good if she tries to do too much, too soon, and has to be under the influence to do it.
hugs and best wishes to you!!!