Hi Confused, I'm so sorry that this happened to you.
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Originally Posted by Confused In PA About a year and a half ago we started talking about swinging. She had previous experience I did not. |
She was the one with the experience. She should have known that going behind your back is
not swinging.
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Originally Posted by Confused In PA WE agreed that he wouldn't be for us so I sent an e-mail to him explaining thanks but no thanks. I thought that was the end of it. ...... she tells me that a few days after I sent OUR reply she e-mailed him and told him that she was interested. They met at a hotel and played leaving me completely unaware. |
This is ALL on her. This is her doing, she initiated this.
We've had MFM's with a few single guys. We are clear that we are always together, no exceptions (don't even
think you're getting alone with me). The men we've met with were crystal clear on it and crossed no boundaries. (MFM with a single guy can work out great when everyone's on the same page.)
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Originally Posted by Confused In PA Flash forward to yesterday and during some play time talk she tells me that a few days after I sent OUR reply she e-mailed him and told him that she was interested. |
It sounds like she actually may have believed that you'd be turned-on and pleased with her actions. It boggles my mind! But, maybe in her past life as a swinger, this is what her ex swing-partner just happened to be into??? It has a name:
Hotwife, Hotwifing, etc. (she goes off on her own pursuits, she tells him about it, it turns him on.) I can't comprehend being this out of touch with my husband, to not realize that in our relationship, this would be cheating and deceit (as it would be to the majority of us here on this board). But, the setting/timing in which she told you does make me think she was clueless about how you'd feel.
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Originally Posted by Confused In PA In addition to the obvious advice has anyone had experience talking to a psychologist about a situation like this? I am not feeling so good about myself since this happened and know for sure that I need to talk to someone about how I feel. I can't sleep, can't eat and work is becoming very difficult. I can talk to her but that won't be enough. |
Please do go and see someone right away. I haven't been to a psychologist (let alone in a situation like yours), but Mr. Tybee has. His first wife cheated on him (in the old-fashioned way; they weren't swingers), having carried on an affair behind his back for some time. As the marriage was falling apart, he was left feeling devoid of self-esteem, really hurt and confused. He has told me that although he only went for a handful of sessions, it helped him tremendously.
Only because it seems that your wife
may have made a monumentally stupid mistake and had a stupendous lack of judgment (thinking this would actually turn you on/be okay), I'd give her a chance to explain herself. Go for help
for yourself, but also, ask her the big
WHY question, which is what we are all wondering here.
I really wish you all of the best. Hugs!!!!!