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Originally Posted by Oleg&Lena I see almost all who said here are trying to say: DKent, you are not swinger and swinging is not for you. Why?
Of course it is not good when man cheat his wife. But if he is trying to begin new life without lie...If he is trying to chang his life... Is it bad? Is it wrong? Who did not mistakes? |
We all make mistakes - and most of us understand the affects of those mistakes. When you lie to your spouse, you affect the relationship. It changes it - corrupts the foundation. The bigger the lie, the bigger the crack in that foundation.
In this case, the wife has no idea what kind of marriage she has - she has the illusion of a faithful, respectable husband (or at least, DKent thinks she hold such an illusion
). I would say that the damage to the foundation is so significant that if she were ever to find out the truth, the marriage would be very lucky to survive.
And it is upon that damaged foundation, that our OP wanted to build a swinging relationship. Why? Because he wanted to share something with his wife? Not really. Not if you read the posts preceding. He wants to swing because cheating got to be a pain in the ass to arrange - and he simply got tired of that "lifestyle".
Now he wants a new one.
And his first act of building this new lifestyle on a damaged foundation? Dump his sexual desires (not his sexual mistakes, just his desires) on a woman who has not developed herself sexual - she hasn't really "come into her own." For example:
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Originally Posted by DKent We've rarely watched porn; she has no interest in seeing other people having sex and it doesn't arouse her (so much for same-room sex). She doesn't have any fantasies about having sex with other people. She doesn't talk dirty and the word "fuck" is almost impossible to pry out of her mouth. |
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Originally Posted by DKent The sex seemed to be more frequent, but still rather traditional, or "vanilla" as some say. |
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Originally Posted by DKent At this point, I had sort of lost the need to "cheat" as I was getting sex once a week, or three times a month at least, from my wife. |
This act of impulsiveness came - of all times - on Mother's Day.
He had - understandably - a bad result.
In an act of revisionist history, he states in his later posts that it is all for her, while in earlier posts, he states that he has
"all but resigned [him]self to the fact that [he]'ll never get to indulge in that forbidden pleasure of outside sex WITH [his] wife there, enjoying it with [him]."
He is not resigned to the fact that she'll never get to indulge in group sex - he is resigned that he won't get to. This isn't about her. It is about him.
Turning your life around is one thing - but that is not what is happening here. It is simply the next chapter of the same old thing.
If I were in his shoes, how would I turn things around?
I agree that telling her about his indiscretions would be counter productive, but at the very least, I would admit to myself that it was wrong, I had damaged my marriage and I had a job ahead of me to repair that damage. In a very real way, I would need to rebuild the foundation.
I would start by putting sex with other people out of my mind for good.
That is the past problem, that is the current problem. So - get rid of it.
I would share my sexual interests with her, but I would share them in a non-threatening way. Not in a "this is what I want us to do" but "this is what I fantasize about". And I'd make it impersonal, detached from our marriage.
But - that would be a subplot really... Mainly I would work on reconnecting with her - taking this new found freedom without kids to reconnect as a couple and reconnect her with her sexuality. Giving her the freedom and the room to explore herself.
It'd be very "vanilla" at first... Candles and a bubble bath, boss and secretary role play, making love in the back yard, late at night, under the stars...
She needs to feel that she can trust him completely. And women aren't stupid... Except for the stupid ones - and we know who you are
My suspicion is that even if she doesn't know what he has done - and even if she doesn't consciously suspect him - she has some intuitive lack of trust.
Building that trust will be the biggest trick - and may be the entire journey - but that would be the first step.
And when she trusts, she might start talking about the fantasies that she does have. DKent needs to - at that point - shut his mouth and take notes... Make this truly about her - and not just about her in some self-justifying way - and help her indulge her fantasies. They may be as simple as introducing Jello to the bedroom - or they may be as complex as arranging for a Navy SEAL assault team to storm her beaches... But until he knows HER fantasies, he really shouldn't be pressuring her with his...
He may find out that - when he has done all of that - that he has actually forgotten about swinging and is simply enjoying the thrill of giving her fantasy after fantasy - Jello after Jello.
A healthy marriage isn't about your "right" to have sex with others. It is about the depth of your enjoyment of one another. If he were to pursue that as his goal, then THAT would be turning his life around. But that isn't what he is doing based on his posts. And that, Oleg&Lena, is what is desperately wrong with this picture...
Spoomonkey