[knottyboi]

I'm having a bad emotional reaction to a terrible swinging experience I had several days ago and I need some advice on how to get over it. I apologize for the long post...

I had gone to a hotel party (my first one) and I was having a blast. I knew several people there, everyone was super friendly, it was going great. I was invited back to the hotel room of a couple I knew, along with several other couples and two single guys. I'm married but I play as a single female since my partner doesn't play. So, I'd say there were eleven of us.

All of us invited were invited because of the expectation that we were all a little freaky, we all liked each other, and there wouldn't be any problems mixin'n'matchin'. And it's true, I liked everyone there, though I didn't know the two single men. So I was fine with having fun with all parties, especially as I had already swung with a few of them.

Now, problems for me developed when, as soon as the clothes came off, the couples started swapping, leaving me out cold with the two men I didn't know. They seemed fine, but they quickly became EXTREMELY pushy. There was no friendly foreplay, or asking me what I like, or anything like that. It was like they had paid an entrance fee and, dammit, they were going to get some no matter what.

I was a little drunk, so I wasn't as forceful as I normally would be, but I *did* say NO several times, as well as saying, "I'm sorry, but I'm not comfortable with this, I don't want to, no thanks." But it was like every time I turned around, a dick was in my face. I got up and went to the bathroom just to get some breathing space, and as soon as I came out, one of them tried to convince me to fuck him against the bathroom door. I said, no, and walked away.

I finally went over to the bed and squished in with two of the couples, who were more than happy for me to do so. I bent over and started going down on one man, when all of a sudden, I felt a dick trying to enter me. WHAT??

I whipped around to see the other single guy nonchalantly trying to fuck me, with NO condom on (despite my earlier stating that I don't fuck without them), and he acted like I was ridiculous when I became furious. I had very clearly told him I wasn't interested three times before that.

At that point, everyone else realized the problems I was having, and the two single guys were made to leave, and my night significantly improved. But I can't get it out of my mind and it's making me sick to my stomach. I feel like I was almost raped and that pisses me off to no end. I gave this man no suggestion that I wanted to do it with him, I was very clear in saying no, and he was going to do it anyway.

What's worse is that I am white-looking and the two men were black. Apparently (out of my hearing) they were bitching that I wouldn't fuck them because they were black, and this was insane because this group of people was very evenly divided between black people and white people, and I had had sex with two of those other black people on a previous occasion. I am NOT racist, and the color of your skin is pretty much on the bottom of my list of preferences that I have.

I'm so tired of the view that as a single young bisexual woman, I've got it made. When, in fact, it's extremely stressful, and I get so much pressure, and so many couples and single men act like it's almost an obligation for me to do it with them if many other people are already matched up. It's like I'm an object. The 'unicorn' syndrome sucks real bad for me, since it doesn't matter who I am as a person, I'm just a walking bisexual vagina here to fulfill fantasies. ARGH!

I'm sorry for the hatefulness of this, I just can't get over that night and I need help on how to get over it. For those that have had this sort of thing happen to them, how do you cope? I obviously can't explain it to vanillas, since they would simply say that I shouldn't have been doing that sort of thing in the first place.