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Originally Posted by empowered What i want to know is: Is this common in the lifestyle? |
Whether something is "common" "in the lifestyle" depends upon how you define those terms.
We have been semi-active swingers (we don’t like the term “lifestyle”) for a couple years. So, we don’t have the greatest depth or breadth of experience. However, we have been to a “Lifestyles” convention and have met a large number of committed swingers.
There are a large number of people who are involving themselves in swinging activities whether it be responding to on line ads, meeting other couples for play dates, or attending club or convention events. Nearly everyone has their own motivations and expectations as to what they are trying to “get” out of the experience. Some number of individuals are looking for nothing more than a quick and indiscriminant sexual encounter. Others are looking for an additional individual (or couple) with whom to establish more of an emotional and sexual connection akin to a second (or third) love-based relationship. A great many swingers fall somewhere in the middle wanting more than indiscriminate play but something far less than a second marriage.
Because of the diversity of the people involved and wide range of their objectives, it is dangerous to categorize anything as being “usual” or “common” within swinging. There certainly are some number of guys and gals interested in playing with as many different people as possible. There are certainly some number of individuals who try to set up liaisons with others when they are traveling. If your question is whether this activity is normal or usual, I don’t think it is uncommon. We certainly know couples who actively look to meet other couples when traveling (particularly on vacations).
If your questions is directed to his deceit, that is a bit more difficult to answer. In our experience, most swingers are appalled by liars and avoid them like the plague. However, there are some number of swingers who are only interested in the individual sexual liaison and don’t ask too many questions. Moreover, even if a swinger or swinging couple asks, they have very limited resources to confirm an honest response.
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Originally Posted by empowered Is his behaviour considered cheating? How do you confront what may not be cheating but is still a breaking of trust/disrespect?? |
By “his behavior,” we assume you mean his decision to keep his sexual liaisons from you even though you thought you had an agreement that sex with others was OK so long as it was disclosed. The vast majority of “swingers” we know and have known would consider this behavior wrongful whether the term “cheating” is applied or not. Fundamentally, the behavior you discuss is deceitful and, as we noted above, we believe that most swingers despise deceitful behavior.
Your questions suggest that you are caught up wondering if your reaction to his dishonesty should be any different than if you had discovered that he had been unfaithful. We presume that your question springs from your arrangement that expressly permitted "unfaithful" behavior provided there was full disclosure.
We believe that all committed relationships are based upon trust. If you cannot trust your partner, you cannot remain in a relationship with them. In monogamous relationships, all infidelity is, by definition, an attack on the trust that forms the basis of the relationship. After all, a promise to remain monogamous is no different than any other promise made by couples to one another. It may be viewed as more important by society and held in higher regard by some couples, but it is, at its foundation, nothing more than a promise.
Here, you elected to forego a monogamous relationship but obtained a promise concerning the non-monogamy. That promise has now been broken. You confront the breaker of that promise no differently than if they had promised to be monogamous and been unfaithful.
That having been said, we think your real question is: how do I get my SO to view the breaking of his promise in the same light as a decision to be unfaithful? We think the answer to that question is that you probably can’t. It seems to us unlikely that he is every going to be faithful to any promise made with respect to his sexual activity. Accordingly, even if you were willing to accept swinging according to some mutually agreeable set of rules, it is our opinion (based upon his prior conduct) that he will not abide by those rules.
We think most swingers will tell you that the agreed upon rules adopted by every couple are the key to successful swinging. Most swingers, we believe, adhere to their rules with near zealous rigidity. So, we think most experienced and successful swingers would view the intentional disregarding of rules as akin to being unfaithful in a monogamous relationship.
We hope this helps.