Ok, I don't agree with her acting out in a sexual manner. However, if you basically withdraw from the relationship as described, then you are no longer there for her....then she probably went seeking the things she needed elsewhere (and that goes both ways, I'm not saying what she did was right, but men go looking for sex and companionship outside the relationship for the same reasons women do).
--I WOULD AGREE
It's been said before and I'll go ahead and say it again. Adding children or swinging to a relationship that is already on unsteady footing does not normally bode well. One of your previous posts, you made the comment that at that time you had been together for 13 years and thank goodness that there were no children involved?!? Moot point now that there is, but waiting 15 years to start a family?
--OUR PROBLEMS TOOK PLACE DURING OUR 11th YEAR. WE SPENT THE SUBSEQUENT TIME SORTING THROUGH OUR PROBLEMS, WHICH IN PART FOR ME WAS THE DEPTH AND BREADTH OF THE BETRAYAL. AND, YES, AT THAT POINT, I WAS GLAD WE HADN'T HAD CHILDREN.
CHILDREN, I WILL ADD, WERE SOMETHING WE WANTED TO CONSIDER AFTER WE SPENT A LONG TIME AS JUST A COUPLE, AFTER CAREERS WERE LAUNCHED AND SCHOOL WAS FINISHED (HERS) AND WE HAD ACHIEVED OUR OWN GOALS. MANY OF OUR FRIENDS HAD KIDS RIGHT AFTER MARRIAGE, IN THEIR EARLY TO MID 20'S AND THE TOTALLY SUBJUGATED THEIR LIVES TO THEIR KIDS. WE WANTED TO HAVE KIDS BECAUSE WE WERE READY, HAD DONE WHAT WE WANTED AND COULD WELCOME THEM INTO OUR LIVES. NOT BECAUSE THE CLOCK WAS TICKING. WE DECIDED WE'D RATHER LOOK BACK ON A LIFE OF CHILDLESS DEVOTION TO OUR OWN HAPPINESS THEN REGRET HAVING BEEN HELD BACK.
WE HAD 10 GOOD YEARS, 1 PARTIALLY VERY BAD YEAR AND OVER TWO GOOD YEARS AFTER THAT. MAKING A DECISION AT YEAR 13 TO HAVE KIDS WAS MORE THAN ENOUGH TIME AFTER THE TROUBLES. THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT, AT SOME POINT YOU ARE EITHER GOING TO MOVE FORWARD OR NOT. FORGIVING IS NEEDED, FORGETTING NOT AN OPTION. BUT, JUST GETTING ON WITH OUR LIVES AND GETTING OUT FROM UNDER THE SHADOW. HER SCHOOL WAS LONG DONE, MY CAREER FINALLY LAUNCHED, MONEY WAS GOOD, WE WERE GOOD AND WE WERE READY FOR CHILDREN.
Then you were already swinging and she STILL felt the need to cheat and go behind your back with other partners? One of our friends did this....they were playing together and he still felt the need to be sneaky....and they are no longer swinging.
--THAT'S ABOUT THE SIZE OF IT. WAIT, WAS YOUR FRIEND AT THE END OF NEARLY A YEAR OF TERRIFYING FINANCIAL INSTABILITY WITH ONLY A MONTH BEFORE HE AND HIS WIFE LOST EVERYTHING AND WERE PENNILESS AND HOMELESS? IF SO, THEN YES, OUR STORY IS THE SAME. EITHER WAY, IT'S NO EXCUSE, BUT IT'S A REASON FOR TEMPORARY INSANITY. AND WE DON'T SWING ANYMORE EITHER.
Yes, you've taken 4 years to rebuild the relationship. Congratulations on that...however, with increased sexual freedom like before, she either may still feel the need to keep pushing the boundaries and even if she's not, you may wonder if she is based on past experiences. Not saying that people can't change, but they sure can stay on some good behavior kick as long as it is benefitting them.
--THAT'S EXACTLY MY POINT. DO I TRUST THAT IT WAS COMPLETELY SITUATIONAL, OR DO I ERR ON THE SIDE OF CAUTION THAT SWINGING GAVE HER A SENSE OF FREEDOM THAT IS BEST NOT FELT. AND, YOU ARE RIGHT. PEOPLE CAN STAY ON GOOD BEHAVIOR AS LONG AS IT BENEFITS THEM. I GUESS PART OF TRUST IS TRUSTING THAT SHE DIDN'T PLEAD FOR OUR RELATIONSHIP AND THEN SPENT THE LAST 4 YEARS BEING GOOD OUT OF OPPORTUNISM.
If you still want to proceed, I would do so with lots of caution...maybe just soft swap or put on a little exhibishinistic display at the club with each other or something that does not involve actually having sex with other people if you are just looking to add a bit of spice to things.
--WE HAVE NO NEED TO ACTUALLY SWAP. JUST A LITTLE SPICE WOULD BE NICE.
Anyway, that's just my 2 cents.
--THANKS!
Maria
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