[The Fuse]

It is stressful keeping secrets from people we're close to. It's the price we pay for not being out. It does create constant mental tension, which is easy to underestimate. It's so tempting to tell people, for a variety of reasons. But once you tell someone your secrets, they will almost inevitably tell someone else.

I figure your husband's friend probably told his mom because of a combination of not being prepared for her questions, and from not being able to ignore the reflected tension in the room. The line about not wanting to lie to his mother is bullshit, because he lies to his wife all the time. He probably felt backed into a corner and panicked.

If his mom noticed something between you or your husband and a member of another couple, then to be blunt, you all should hide your feelings better or stop mixing vanillas and non-vanillas. I know this is not the "fun" answer, but are you more interested in being discreet or in a little additional turn-on? Sorry if I sound harsh, but I don't like the situation at all.

Personally, I am reluctant to introduce my playmates to vanilla friends, because I cannot keep a poker face around some people. I've been tempted to have a mixture of people over for a party, because all involved are quality people. But now I'm on the "don't mix swingers with vanilla friends, or with family" side of that fence. It's not worth the risk.

Recently, I told a vanilla friend about Mr. Fuse and me. This friend moved most of the way across the country years ago and doesn't really keep in contact with anyone else from this area. Even so, I regret telling him. Any release or exhilaration I felt quickly went away, and now... he just knows. He could out us anytime he wanted. He wouldn't want to hurt us, but he might let it slip at some point.

As far as your husband's relationship with his friend, I think many people are too quick to say "throw the bastard out" when they are not in the situation themselves. He betrayed your husband's trust, your implied trust, and now knows things about others in the room. (I'll go out on a limb and say I bet they wish it weren't so.)

So, your husband knows he cannot absolutely trust his friend with these secrets. Is that a reason to throw away the friendship? I doubt it. He should just be aware of that friend's limitations in the future and act accordingly. As to whether you want the friend in your lives, that's between you and your husband, since he's your husband's friend. Just keep in mind that the friend has been keeping something from his wife in order to keep you in his life, and he didn't ask to be put in that position either. Sometimes we all put up with things we'd rather not, to gain something we want more.

About secrets between the friend and his wife, that's the friend's problem, not yours. Unless you want to kick up a storm that will harm people and help no one, my opinion is that you shouldn't go there except in your own thoughts.