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Originally Posted by smpdjd ...my wife and the guy got pretty intense and now she can't stop thinking about him.. so much so that she managed to get in touch with him and he stopped by her work today.. she's all confused about her feelings. |
smpdjd ~
I read
your other thread that I presume is about your first (and only, thus far?) swing experience with this man. Correct me if I'm wrong.
When I read stories like yours the first thing I think about is how honest, mature, and communicative a couple is with each other because I think these factors are so crucial to what your outcome will be in this situation.
Since you have been married for 18 years you are probably in your early 40s. I'm presuming neither of you have had sex with other people since before you were married. Sex with someone new is fresh and very exciting. In many ways it's like dating again and with that comes the adrenaline rush that 'new sex' brings. This
can be one of the great pleasures of swinging IF it is understood for what it is, not love, not substitution for one's spouse, but the flattery of attention from someone new. If your wife can see this new relationship for what it is, then you can work with this. If not, you will have a difficult if not impossible time swinging.
I am concerned about your statement
"she managed to get in touch with him and he stopped by her work today.. she's all confused about her feelings." "Managed" sounds like she made a concerted effort to reach him that was beyond the ordinary. And then for him to stop by to see her at work? Why do this? This could jeopardize trust (which sounds like it may already be questioned) and prompt co-workers to wonder what this guy means to your wife. People can easily see when something is brewing that's horny and hot between a man and a woman. Did your wife tell you beforehand that she was going to call him? Did the man show up invited or univited at the workplace? Whether the answers are yes or no, I don't think it is a wise step to take with a swing partner until you have a long relationship established and trust developed, which you don't have at this point.
Your wife now wants to play with him alone and this would be the second time to play with him and I don't believe you've played with anyone else. Is this correct? It's way too early to be doing this with your relationship so new with this guy and you having no other swinging experience. I'd suggest taking things much slower. He wasn't even a good lover which leads me to believe it is the newness of all of this that excites your wife, not the man. And if he is such a poor performer, he may be hungering for a woman like your wife who is so eager to give him a second chance after a first poor performance. His interest in her may be to prove to himself that he can make a better showing the second time.
You've seen a great change in your wife since her first swing - and you had to coax her into swinging to begin with - so I wonder if she has even taken time to learn what swinging can involve on an emotional level. If she hasn't been reading this Board, have her get involved. She will then be with you in your exploration here and what she and you learn together can help you make better decisions.
Your feelings and concerns are justified. I sense you want her happiness, but that won't be possible if it is at the expense of your happiness. As a couple you must be a team and proceed together, communicating every concern and thought.
Explain to your wife what makes you uncomfortable about how she is handling herself with this man. Let her know you feel more discussion is needed before you proceed further swinging with him or anyone. And if that means YOU don't want to have a 3sum with this guy again, say so. You certainly aren't ready to see your wife play alone with him so tell her that. That is perfectly okay to do. If she made the same request of you if the situation were reversed - you had a 3sum with a single female and wanted to play alone - wouldn't you listen to your wife if she objected? I would hope so.
Please let us know how things develop.
LM