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now she wants to sleep with him one on one
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This part of your post worries me most.
Swinging with a single male (to us) is simply sex. No emotions other than physical attraction get involved. There should be no interaction outside the bedroom with the 3 of you involved (in my opinion).
Yes, I may think of the other male after the sex is over as a nice memory (and the occasional bad one), but my hubby is always number 1.
I would, however, re-evaluate your boundaries and communicate your feelings before moving on. Fun, drama-free sex is what this is all about to us.
Mrs. D