Hello,
Mrs. Trixie I would suggest that you add a firm "NO BDSM" to your profile. The guy you're describing seems way over the top even for the BDSM crowd.
Laurie and I know a couple who is into that but they know we are not so it's never even discussed.
As far as whether there are nice couples out there, we try to live up to our screen name.
I've found that if a talk to 10 couples, 3 or 4 of them will be nice normal people. The rest will be unacceptable because they are wierdos, fakes, or have big relationship troubles in their marriages. It's a drag to wade through the bad ones, but the 4 out of 10 who are great, fun, sexy people make it all worth it.
We've had our best luck with on-premesis house parties. You get the chance to observe peoples play styles and there's lots of folks to vouch for the good people.
If the party is well run the host couples usually make sure that problem people only attend once.
Good luck and have fun.
Jeff & Laurie