[The Fuse]

This is an awful thing to have happened between you and your husband at this time. And even though your girlfriend is involved, ultimately it's still between you and your husband (unless she's pregnant, which we hope is not the case).

It sounds like there's a lot of love, trust and communication there at almost all times, so hopefully this huge mistake (your phrasing and it sounds appropriate) will be an isolated one. I'm going to assume that normally, your husband and your girlfriend have your best interests at heart and wouldn't do anything intentionally to hurt you.

You have both suffered a terrible loss. You had lost a baby and were grieving. He was grieving. You were both vulnerable, which I'm betting is a big factor here. Your girlfriend was there for you and for him, and has been a sex partner in the past. Everyone was weary, and you were unconscious from pain medicine. Your husband made three huge mistakes, not just one. He had sex with her, he didn't use a condom, and then he didn't tell you about it afterwards. Absolutely unacceptable.

Have you talked about it with him? Found out how, in his mind, he made it okay when it happened? People do have lapses in judgment, and sometimes they are as big as buildings. I know I've had several. When grief is so raw, I'm sure it's tough to resist sex as comfort. When emotions are so heightened, it would be easy to ignore the need for a condom. None of this would make it okay. But it might help make your world a little more sane.

I think part of what makes the betrayal of a loved one so hard to deal with is the feeling that your world isn't built on what you thought it was. What do you hold on to? What's real? If these mistakes are really something you can trust won't happen again, and your husband is really who you think he is, then you can still lean on the things you've built up to this point.

This happened two weeks ago, and you found out a few days later. What's happened since then? Your husband should be working harder than ever to help you get over this betrayal that occurred at what seems like the worst possible time, on top of losing your pregnancy. He should be proposing ways to make sure you can trust him.

Back-bends and Buddist chants won't help. Figuring out how this happened might help... but having a plan going forward and being able to trust and rely on your husband will help most of all. Until you find out if your girlfriend is pregnant, this should be your focus.

Good luck and please let us know what happens.