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incommunicado · 07-09-2002, 02:43 PM

This string could go on and on. I appreciate that everyone concedes, as HLLMAIL says:

"If we are talking about purely sex and each spouse "getting it on" with someone other than their spouse then yes a mff 3-some would be fair if the woman was bi."

This is most of my initial argument. I also appreciate the premise that, as soon as limitations based on insecurity are placed on the relationship, an element of unfairness can be perceived. That certain desires are going unexplored.

But, I stick with what my wife said...ALL rules and limitations that a couple agrees to, to govern their swinging relationship, other than safe sex (which is a MUST in my book) are based upon insecurity and may limit the exploration of desire.

As I said before, very few couples lead completely open swinging lives, giving each other free reign to do as they please ("honey, can you watch the kids Saturday night? I have a date."), and Mazel Tov to those that do.

Most of us set rules that, most likely, limit the exploration of desire to some extent.

It is in those arrangements, be they strictly same room swingers, no kissing swingers, MFF with a bi wife swingers...whatever, that I stress that the importance is on the desires that DO get reallized, not the ones that don't. Does everyone get to have a good time? Yes! Do we all get a taste of something different? Yes!

I'll illustrate. My wife and I are same-room swingers. That might change, but for now, that's the way it is. We do this to share in each other's pleasure, but also because I am simply not comfortable with either of us swinging seperately. It's not a lack of trust or love. It's not fear of loss. It's just territory I'm not happy going into. We've talked about it. She could do it, I can't. She understands and accepts that I'm not cool with it. Is this a rule based, at least in part, on insecurity? Yep. Am I stifling her sexual desire or growth because I don't want to open the door to her going on dates without me? Maybe/Maybe not. But our relationship comes first for both of us, and sometimes compromises have to be made. She made it clear, before we ever got into this, that any discomfort on either of our parts, and the plug gets pulled. AND, she gets to have sex with other people in front of me. That's a guilty pleasure that very few get to enjoy.

I suppose, why one swings, may be a mitigating factor in their position on this topic. For us, it's not about sexual boredom or a means of coping with infidelity, or even individual sexual exploration, it's about sharing. We want a human toy chest for each other. She gets back the sexual freedom she willingly gave up when we married and I get to explore a level of sexual freedom that I had never experienced and we get to do it together.

We compromise on how we do it because, in the end, it is still about us as a couple, not us as individuals. I think you will find that insecurity drives pretty much ALL limits on couples swinging, but love for the relationship and willingness to compromise is what supports those rules. And, again, it is about the desires you do reallize, individually and together, not the ones that you don't.

07-09-2002, 02:43 PM	#12 (permalink)
incommunicado Swingers Board Addict Join Date: May 2002 Posts: 198 Location: Baltimore, MD	This string could go on and on. I appreciate that everyone concedes, as HLLMAIL says: "If we are talking about purely sex and each spouse "getting it on" with someone other than their spouse then yes a mff 3-some would be fair if the woman was bi." This is most of my initial argument. I also appreciate the premise that, as soon as limitations based on insecurity are placed on the relationship, an element of unfairness can be perceived. That certain desires are going unexplored. But, I stick with what my wife said...ALL rules and limitations that a couple agrees to, to govern their swinging relationship, other than safe sex (which is a MUST in my book) are based upon insecurity and may limit the exploration of desire. As I said before, very few couples lead completely open swinging lives, giving each other free reign to do as they please ("honey, can you watch the kids Saturday night? I have a date."), and Mazel Tov to those that do. Most of us set rules that, most likely, limit the exploration of desire to some extent. It is in those arrangements, be they strictly same room swingers, no kissing swingers, MFF with a bi wife swingers...whatever, that I stress that the importance is on the desires that DO get reallized, not the ones that don't. Does everyone get to have a good time? Yes! Do we all get a taste of something different? Yes! I'll illustrate. My wife and I are same-room swingers. That might change, but for now, that's the way it is. We do this to share in each other's pleasure, but also because I am simply not comfortable with either of us swinging seperately. It's not a lack of trust or love. It's not fear of loss. It's just territory I'm not happy going into. We've talked about it. She could do it, I can't. She understands and accepts that I'm not cool with it. Is this a rule based, at least in part, on insecurity? Yep. Am I stifling her sexual desire or growth because I don't want to open the door to her going on dates without me? Maybe/Maybe not. But our relationship comes first for both of us, and sometimes compromises have to be made. She made it clear, before we ever got into this, that any discomfort on either of our parts, and the plug gets pulled. AND, she gets to have sex with other people in front of me. That's a guilty pleasure that very few get to enjoy. I suppose, why one swings, may be a mitigating factor in their position on this topic. For us, it's not about sexual boredom or a means of coping with infidelity, or even individual sexual exploration, it's about sharing. We want a human toy chest for each other. She gets back the sexual freedom she willingly gave up when we married and I get to explore a level of sexual freedom that I had never experienced and we get to do it together. We compromise on how we do it because, in the end, it is still about us as a couple, not us as individuals. I think you will find that insecurity drives pretty much ALL limits on couples swinging, but love for the relationship and willingness to compromise is what supports those rules. And, again, it is about the desires you do reallize, individually and together, not the ones that you don't.