Julie, well said.
I would add only one thing. One of the great aspects of swinging is that it's probably the only place in our society where a woman can explore her sexuality without being put down or branded a whore or slut. It's a safe environment, the people around her are supportive, and if she is bold enough to ask for what she wants, it will happen.
So a situation where her mate's insecurities prevent a wife from exploring her desires is really missing an essential part of swinging. I would almost say that it's cruel, because she can see other women getting the chance to experiment and live out their own fantasies while she is denied that chance.
If her sole fantasy and desire is to share another woman sexually with her husband, that's great. Otherwise she is swinging on his terms.
If she's being denied the chance to explore because of her husband's insecurities, then it's unfair, plain and simple. (And that was part of the premise in your original question).
She may not even know what she really wants. That's the purpose of experimentation: to figure these things out. Can any of us here say that we really knew exactly what turned us on until we had the chance to be exposed to different situations with different people?
BTW incommunicado, your F half sounds really cool. Her thoughts on limits mirror ours, exactly.
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